You Know You Want To

It's very entertaining and interesting to me that the devil will use everything he can to keep you from God. We all know it when it comes. It's that feeling of, "I know I want to, but I can't. Well if I do, I'll feel better. No one will know. I can get away with it. Honestly, God knows I can't stop. He'll forgive me."
And, yes, He will forgive you. But don't take advantage of that. He knows what you're thinking. If you think, "I'll just do it this once and then ask for forgiveness. Promise never to do it again." Are you really sorry? Do you think you deserve to be forgiven?
God doesn't want anyone to sin, but, obviously, we do. In my own opinion, if you say "I'm sorry." Do it again. "I'm sorry." Do it again. I don't think you deserve to be forgiven. Because to me, you aren't really sorry, if you were sorry, you'd stop entirely. That's just my opinion.

Temptations happen to everyone, in many different way. The devil attacks your weakest areas, at your weakest moments.

When I think of doing something I know I shouldn't, here's how I talk myself out of it:
He was beaten for me.
He was spat on for me.
He wore a crown of thorns for me.
And
HE DIED FOR ME.
If I do this, it's like doing all of that all over. I don't want to do that to Him again. He doesn't deserve it. He didn't deserve it the first time.
I want to live for Him, strive to get close to Him. To do anything other than that is wrong to me.
Just know, you're not the only one fighting for Him. You can win. Just ask Him for the strength and I promise He will provide it.

Good luck.

I Judge You, You Judge Me, We All Judge Each Other

I've been reading a lot of things lately about judging, which is initially why I wanted to write this blog.

A major reason Christians are hated is because we judge. Quite a bit, I have to admit.
I do it.
I'm not a huge fan of Britney Spears.

The main reason is, in the nicest terms, she's a bit promiscuous. But then I thought about it, "Who am I to judge her based on her choices?" I have no right. It's the same as me judging Miley Cyrus based on hers.


No matter the person and no matter the action, no one has the right to judge anyone.

I've been watching the music video for Britney Spear's song "Every time". I really like it. If you get over the shock that she is almost naked through a part of it, then it can be very emotional and amazing. Just that one video made me see her as a person and not "a promiscuous girl that I stick my nose up to."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UQzHaOG2uI
I love the line, "Please forgive me. My weakness caused you pain, and this song's my sorry." I know it isn't, but I like to think of that line as someone speaking to Jesus about his crucifixion. I love that line and it's so powerful to me.

Another aspect of judging is based on appearance. If you saw this guy on the street, what would your first thoughts be?

Maybe he's got issues? Done some bad things? Will do more in the future? Who knows maybe it's true, but would you think he was a Christian? I know a few people who would assume that because he looks the way he does, that there's no way he is. Christians don't have tattoos or piercings, right?
Well, some may be surprised to know that he's the singer/song writer for a well-known Christian band and wrote powerful lyrics such as these:
"As You did warn me, Carpenter, this world has weakened my heart"
"Where do You find the love to offer he who betrays You? And offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey You."
"I cannot be forgiven; my wages will be paid, for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved."
"Jesus, my heart is all I have to give to You, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do."
"By me You were abandoned, by me You were betrayed, yet in Your arms and in Your heart forever I have stayed."
and
"Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend, for You have loved me forever, and Your love will never end."
I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW AMAZING ALL THOSE LYRICS ARE.
They all come from this beautiful and wonderfully written song called "Matthias Replaces Judas"


So as you can tell I did a lot of internet surfing to write this. I found it quite fun and can't wait to write my next post. Also, anyone can comment on my posts. You don't have to have a blogspot account. So if you have any thoughts about my thoughts, then please let me know. I would love to hear your point of view whether you agree with me or not.

Daisy

For those of you who don't already know, I got a puppy yesterday.


Answers To Your Questions
Pembroke Welsh Corgi/mix
Yesterday
2 months old
The SPCA


I need to take her to the vet soon just to get her checked out and make sure everything is okay.
Today was my only day off this week, so I used it to buy her things she needed.


I also spent time putting chicken wire around my balcony, so she wouldn't get through the bars and fall.


Then we went to eat. Long day. We got hungry.


I'm not sure if she likes any of the things I bought her, but I really hope so.

IT Came Through

Here's a fun little story:

I was at work the other day and they put me on window in drive-thru. I love window. The people are fun and interesting. Around 8:30 that night a surprise came through. It was two clowns. I had never, in the history of working drive-thru, seen that before. Everyone was laughing and thought it was so cool. The clowns were making jokes and being funny. I'm sure I probably would have thought that was cool, but there was one problem...
Did I mention I'm deathly afraid of clowns?

You poor thing...

I have an app on my phone that allows people to write something awful that just happened to them. Some are funny, some are not. I just thought I'd share a few with you.


1. Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text message plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired.

2. Today, for Easter my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate.

3. Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean, a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money.

4. Today, I went to the doctor for a check-up before my Carribean vacation. He informed me I'm overweight for my height and should "eat better, exercise, and lose the excess weight." I just returned from rehab for bulimia a month ago. My vacation was a celebration of overcoming my eating disorder.

5. Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different aisle. 5 minutes later, I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. I'm 22. I had my cell phone and I drove there.

6. Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the test and wrote "OMG."

7. Today, t was Easter and I thought it would be fun to look for Easter eggs with my little brother. My parents told me to take the ones in the higher places that my brother couldn't reach. All of his eggs were filled with candy or money. Each one of mine had a note that said "maybe when you lose weight."

8. Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment, I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother.




....so awful.

I saw this today.



I pray she does, too.
She's precious, I hate to think that the world could break her spirit.

My Conversation with God

I was talking with God today, this is how that conversation went:

I said-
I'm sorry that we steal, when we should be giving to those who lack.
I'm sorry that we speak lies, when we should be listening to Your truths.
I'm sorry that we judge, when we should be accepting of others.
I'm sorry that we hate, when we really should be loving.
I'm sorry that we destroy, when we should be building.
I'm sorry that we kill Your creations, when we should be creating life.
I'm sorry that we hurt others, when we should be healing those who hurt.
I'm sorry that we curse, when we should be singing of Your Grace.
I'm sorry that we push You out, when we should be bringing You in.
I'm sorry that we don't appreciate Your work, when we should be marveling at it's amazement.
I'm sorry that we get angry, when we should be happy.
I'm sorry that we are lazy, when we should be actively working for You.
I'm sorry that we starve for a "perfect body", when we should be happy we even have food.
I'm sorry that we lock those up, who should be set free.
I'm sorry that we pollute, when we should treasure Your land.
I'm sorry that we cheat from others, when we should be helping those in need.
I'm sorry that we take, when we should be sharing.
I'm sorry that we ignore You, when we should be listening.
I'm sorry that we are speechless, when Your word should be spoken through us.
I'm sorry that we use for bad what was meant for good.
I'm sorry that we sin, when we should be living for You.

And God said-
I FORGIVE YOU





1 John 1:9
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Taking a long, hard look at Me

I thought long and hard about why I wanted a puppy and I realized why.

My entire life has been spent trying to get someone's attention and usually I never felt like I got it. I remember having a dog at various times for most of my life. They were always there to play with and they always had their attention set on who was playing with them at that time.
My need to take care of someone and have their full attention is unfortunately still there, and still not always satisfied. I think that in my head I feel that if I get a dog then I can have both. I can have someone that needs me and wants me to always be with them too. I think I feel that I won't be alone. I don't like being alone.
These feelings have recently resurfaced because my boyfriend's curfew is midnight. He leaves me at 11:30pm every day. I hate that. I cried today after he left. I don't want that. I want someone here.
I guess maybe I have abandonment issues...I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. But there is definitely something wrong.

I still really want a dog.

Puppy Love

Today I went to the mall with my boyfriend. They just opened up a pet store and I desperately want to go in. BIG mistake. Now I want a puppy BAD.
I saw the cutest dog. It was a mix between a Pomeranian and a Shih-Tzu. I tried many times to calculate in my head how much it would be and then tried to convince myself that I have enough. If I hadn't spent a lot of money and still had quite a bit, yeah, I could afford it. I could probably still afford it, if I spend the rest. But I keep trying to tell myself no.
It's getting hard though. That puppy was so cute and I'm still very tempted to go back and buy it.

...I pray that I don't.

Dear Cody,

We haven't always been as close as I would like and I don't know why. I know you're busy and don't have much time, but I'm only a phone call away. I sometimes call to check in, but you never answer. I just assume you're napping with Cambria or out doing something fun.
You're an amazing dad and I can tell Cambria adores you. It's so cute to see you two together, I just wish I could see you more.

I was thinking maybe you were mad at me, but couldn't find a reason why. I'm not aware that I've done anything and if I have, let me know so I can fix it.
I just want to know how you're doing and what new words Cambria is saying. Did you get your motorcycle license? And how's Alicia?
I feel like we almost never talk and I'd like that to change. You're my brother and I love you very much.

I hope you read this.

I'm fine, really.

I found out that a lot of people had been worried about me and I want to let you all know how I'm doing now, because I know of quite a few people that read this that were on The Worried List,
I realize that in the first month after my mom's death, I didn't really communicate past, "I'm good", "I'm fine" or "I'm okay".
I'm not very good at discussing my feelings and I'm much worse at discussing why I'm feeling that way.
My mom was like my best friend, someone I could talk to, who was always there. And then she was gone. I just couldn't believe it and didn't want to talk to anyone about it, because maybe I thought it was like finding a replacement listener or something.
I realize no one is going to replace my mom and I don't want them to. But at that time everything was confusing and happening so fast. One week she was going to be okay and the next week they said she wouldn't make it past the weekend.
It was all a lot to comprehend and I just wanted to make it all go away. No one close to me has ever died except her and I just didn't know how to handle it. I'm sure it seemed that I shut down and zoned out a lot around me. It was only a few months ago, but I really don't remember most of what I did after she died. It's like I blocked it out or something.
I promise I'm fine now.
I'm living on my own. I have a job that I love. I have a car, a license, and insurance that I can actually afford!
I didn't blame God for what happened. She was closer to Him near the end then I think she ever was. Which for me, is what brought me closer to Him after she died.

I'm really pleased with myself for the most part. I'm able to afford a cell phone, cable, and insurance. I may need another job soon though, so if you know of something PLEASE let me know. I'm looking for a full-time office job where I could possibly file or be an assistant.
I buy groceries, and for the most part I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (By "For the most part" I mean that I don't usually eat breakfast.)
I see my friends as often as I can and love every minute I have with them.
I still have a boyfriend and tomorrow will be 4 months. We're also doing fine. I hate when he leaves at night, but I know soon he won't have to anymore and we can stay together. I don't mean that we're moving in together, just that within the next year or two hopefully we can get married. (Don't freak out, no plans, just hopes.)

I'm trying to read the Bible everyday and so far it has gone good. Possibly missing a few days, but I'm on Joshua 2 right now. There are times when I just can't put it down and I love that.

I have lately been struggling with a few bills, but a friend helped me out and I owe her big for that. Hopefully next paycheck will be big enough to last until my next, and so on and so forth.


So to sum up the whole post: I'm doing great!

Disrespectful much?

I watched a YouTube video of someone calling today Happy Zombie Jesus Day. She then proceeded to say, "I don't mean to offend anyone."
Then maybe don't say it, that's really the best way to not offend someone.

I love the USA, but sometimes people use the power of speaking freely by speaking obnoxiously and idiotically.

Sorry for the tiny rant. I felt that comment and video was entirely unnecessary.

He is...

He is one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I love seeing him walk through the door and I hate when he leaves.
He is amazing.
He was made for me by God.
He is perfect for me.
He is just as in love with God as I am.
He always says things that make my heart melt.
He's never made me mad or hurt me.
He is respectful.
He is thoughtful.
He is romantic.
He is funny.
He is smart.
He is what I've always wanted.

I am so in love with him.



I've prayed for him so many times before I even met him. I don't deserve him, but God blessed me anyway.

Punch Drunk What? // Who Doesn't Love Driving for 30 Minutes Looking for a Parking Spot?

I got Punch Drunk Love from Netflix. I just finished watching it. After hearing that I know you want to ask me some questions and I'm definitely going to answer them.

Did I like it? No
Was it funny? No
Would you see it again? No
Do you recommend it? No

I didn't understand it. Okay, I understood it, but I didn't get the point or why people liked it. It wasn't good. At all. I wasted a Netflix opportunity and that makes me upset. I also got Snow Angels, I really hope that one is amazing or I'll be twice as upset.
----------------------------------

I got home at 11:12pm. I got in my apartment at 11:34pm.
If you did the math you'd notice that it took me 22 minutes to get to my apartment. Why, you ask? Well, there's a guy having a party in the next building. How many people are there? Well, I don't have an exact number, but so many that I drove around the entire complex looking for a parking spot for 20 minutes. Am I mad? Very much so. On my 5th or so time around the whole place, the guy asked me if one of his guests took my parking spot, I said yes, he said sorry.
Why ask me if you're not going to do something about it?

Sorry if I sound not like my usual self. Today was not a good day. Two times while coming into the apartment complex, I entered the code and had 2 people pull in front of me to get through the gates first. I'm sorry, but if I enter the gate code I should get in first, not you. People here are sooo rude.

I'm also very worried. I've had two occasions where my front door was unlocked, by someone other than me. The other day I went to work and my front door was open. I don't recall opening it, so that freaked me out. And just now I went to turn off the light by my front door and the top lock was locked, but the bottom one was unlocked.
Either I'm crazy, or I'm in danger. I'm really hoping for the first one, that one doesn't scare me as much.

Updates

I got paid today. That was nice. Now I have money for bills.

I'm pretty excited about Easter, I'm having dinner with my dad, aunt, brother and niece. I don't see or talk to my brother as much as I would like, so I'm glad he's going. It should be fun.

I dropped my phone today. Now it has this lovely, very pretty crack across the screen. If I were to want to replace or fix the delightful crack, it would cost an insane amount of $230. So I think I'll just admire it until I have that kind of money.

I have a cold. I also have a job. At a food place. Yes, the customers love me right now.

My boyfriend and I have almost been together 4 months. I know it's not a long time, but we've lasted longer than some marriages. High five!

My turtle just turned seven. I'm pretty much excited that he's still alive. I'm awful with animals. I don't buy them anymore because I feel like it pretty much the road to their death. But he's stuck it out seven years and he's still doing fine. A turtle is an ideal pet. I recommend them.

I am now running out of updates.

PS. God is still amazing.

For Him, Because of Her // Continually Amazed

I'm often inspired to write about God and I love that. I don't do it thinking about who's reading it. I do it just because it needs to be said.
I've gotten many compliments on most things that I write on here, but never really thought it was very good. I guess when my heart is really into it then it comes out much better if I just wrote for no reason.

Usually the words come flying out with no problem, almost like something natural. I can't really explain it.
I'm glad my faith grew, because writing about God is the most natural thing I've done. I know my mom's death helped me connect closer with Him. I remember being so amazed that she could go through all that and still hold strong to God, not that I expected her to hate Him or blame Him, but she could have.
I know seeing her be so strong helped me cope with what was happening to her. If she didn't panic, neither should I.

I'm thankful God got a hold of me and didn't let go. I'm also thankful the devil let go. I expect he'll try again soon, but once again God will be on my side and you can't beat that army.

-------------------------------------

I watched The Passion of the Christ for the third time the other night. It's amazing the difference I saw in my views of the movie once I was saved. The first time I saw it I knew what it was about, but it didn't really hit me. This time it smashed me in the face.
I was fine through most of the movie. I made it through everything up until the crucifixion. Right when I saw them nailing Him to the cross I started crying. I cried through the rest of the movie and most of the credits. It hit me hard and fast. Everything he went through was for me.
ME?!?! ME? I'm nobody. How could you love someone so much to be beaten, spat on, cursed at, hated, DIE for, that committed sins you had nothing to do with. He died because of my sins? Sins I knew were wrong. Sins that most of the time I know I shouldn't do, He tells me, I just don't listen. That...that is love.

I'm pretty sure no one would do that to save everyone. He did, and I can't write enough blogs about how amazing I find that. But I will keep writing any deep or meaningful thought He provokes in me. Because...maybe I'm supposed to? I don't know, but for now I love it.

Me, a Good Example?

I found out today that my youth pastor reads my blog. Something about that is so cool to me. I really never thought about anyone reading it. I mean, I know of 3 people who do, but I never thought anyone outside that ever did. It's really neat to know someone else does and actually likes it. So thanks to him for letting me know he thinks it's good. That means a lot.

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my "For Me" blog about getting saved, but I got saved with my best friend. Today I got off early enough to go to church and we sat next to each other. We ended up having a written conversation, it goes like so:

Me: Brother Mitch apparently reads my blog and likes it! He complimented me on it today.

Her: What does your blog say?

Me: It's about different things. Lately it's been about God and my thoughts on Him

Her: Tell me about it.

Me: My last post was how imperfect we are, how perfect He is and how I can't believe after all that we've done He still loves us.

Her: That's awesome...amazing is more like it.

Me: I just post when I have powerful thoughts about Him. I never expected anyone to really like it.

Her: I've still been having tuggings at my heart. I asked people to forgive me for my past, but I want to be saved tonight. This will be the LAST time I walk down the aisle. I want TONIGHT to be my second birthday.

Me: That's awesome! I'll be praying for you, dear. I love you!

Her: I love you, too!! It just needs to be settled.

Me: Yeah, after I got saved that Sunday, I really felt the devil trying to pull me away, but I got through it.

Her: What was he doing to try to pull you away?

Me: Like friends wanting me to go with them to do things that aren't right. But I just said no and passed the temptations. I haven't felt anything but God since.

Her: Wow, I want that...awesome. You're a good example.

Me: I just want to stick with God. He's all I want. Plus I think "If I think giving into the temptation is okay or will feel good, then think how awesome it will be if I don't and go to Heaven?" Heaven is far more amazing then doing something we know we shouldn't. My goal is Heaven.

Her: I'm still getting there. First, I need to get saved. Make it real. Then I can fight Satan and move forward.

Me: Fighting him will seem hard, but it's the easiest thing I've done. He can't get you if you have God, and he knows it. That's why he'll use everything possible against you.

Her: Amen, girl...preach to me! You have changed, and it's amazing to see.

Me: I'm glad I have. I like the new me.

Her: I do too.
__________________________

It's funny, only a month ago, I was looking up to her as a Christian. To have it reversed seems strange. I'm not entirely sure why she thinks I'm a good example, but I'm sure if she reads this she'll feel the same about me looking up to her. She's an amazing person and I know with time and prayer, she'll get through this. Confusion is just part of it all. But God will help you through it. Trust me.

I realize that I just critized something He created.
In my opinion, if it came from Him (which everything did) then it's beautiful.
My point of the previous post was to show that no one is perfect. We are all flawed in many ways and none of us honestly deserve what God has given us. My point was to show that no matter what we do, He will still forgive us.
How amazing is that?
I couldn't do that.
If you stole my lunch money, yeah I'd forgive you. But if you killed my child, no. I wouldn't. That may sound bad, but I don't see how I could.
That's exactly what happened and yet He loves us unconditionally.
That will always blow my mind.
He is amazing.
I'm forever grateful.

I'm flawed.
I'm always late.
I never know the right thing to say.
If I'm not holding my keys then I've lost them.
I'm not beautiful.
I fall sometimes.
I can't seem to get my make up "just right".
My clothes don't always match.
I'm not the best speller.
I have an awful memory.
My thoughts aren't always the best.
I don't always make the right decisions.
I'm awful with money.
The music I listen to isn't always appropriate.
I bite my nails.
I'm not fit.
My car isn't cool.
I don't get paid a lot.
I don't always listen.
I tend to judge.
I'm stubborn.
I can hold grudges.
I sneeze a lot.
I get random and oddly placed hiccups.
I get migraines.
I'm short.
Some of my organs aren't in "tip-top" shape.
I don't exercise.
I'm not in school.
I watch too much tv.
I play too many games.
I waste time doing nothing worthwhile or productive.
I'm loud.
I don't read.
I don't pay attention
and I hear what I want to hear.
I'm flawed.

You're perfect.



I'm flawed.
You're perfect.
But somehow You love me anyway.
I'll never understand why, but I'll always appreciate it.
You're amazing and way more than I deserve.

I Miss You and I Always Will

I realize now that the sadness won't go away, but I have come to terms with the fact that you're gone. I still regret all the things I did to you near the end and more importantly the things I didn't do. I will always keep you in my thoughts and you won't be forgotten. I miss you, Mom and I love you just as much now as I did before.