Ug...

Okay, so I'm going to write this blog while all this is on my mind and bugging me so I have a way to let it out.

I am so stressed lately. I can't remember what I have planned for what day, at what time, or where it's at. I have so much to do. I'm supposed to go to a photoshoot with two friends tomorrow, because they're both leaving for college in a few days/weeks. I'm not even sure where I'm meeting them up at. I just know I have to be there at 2:15pm. Then I have to work from 4pm to close, which is generally 10:30-10:45pm. Then on Thursday I work from 7am to 3pm. I have a hair appointment at 5 to get a perm. Friday I know I work, I just don't know what time and then I'm supposed to take a friend out to dinner. Saturday I work 12pm-5pm, and then I have to go to my friend's graduation.
Besides all that I have graduation gifts that I'm apparently supposed to get my friends. Then my boyfriend and I have a 6 month anniversery coming next month and I'm getting him some things. My brothers birthday is Thursday and I offered to take him to dinner.
I also have to fix my car because the oil light is on and it's making funny noises. My fridge isn't working and I just went grocery shopping.

To top all the off, I found an army of ants on my rug in my living room because I'm lazy and didn't throw something away.
That was what broke me. I saw all those ants and thought, "How am I supposed to clean all that up? There's so many!" and I just started crying.
I need a break. I want to be able to wake up one morning and say, "I have nothing to do today. This feels nice." I'm stressed and tired and I can't take. I can't do anything about it either. I just want to relax and know that no one needs me to do anything and I can just breathe.
I need some fresh air.

Friends Don't Let Friends Go To Hell

I recently came in contact with some friends that I haven't talked to in awhile. Friends that in the past have told me they were Christians. Now, I'm not saying that they're not, but their actions do not show that they are.
I can not understand how you could do some things if Jesus was honestly a huge part of your life. I feel God heavily in my life and because of that, I refrain from doing certain things I understand are wrong to Him. For example, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now, and while we really want to take the relationship further, we know it's completely wrong, so we haven't and aren't until we're married. I'm extremely proud that we're staying so strong in our path to stay pure until we're married. We use God as help in keeping us from doing anything we would regret. Another example, before God was a big part of me, I used to cuss. A lot. As I was building a relationship, I started cussing less and reducing my vocabulary to words like "damn" (Sorry if using that offended anyone, but I didn't want to censor anything because it wouldn't seem real to me). I even partially cussed in the beginning of our relationship, and I was desperately trying to control it. I finally have, and I did it for God. I don't feel comfortable making me friends assume it's okay to be a Christian and use that language.
I want my friends to see me and how I act and realize it's okay to act different from everyone else. I want them to know they don't have to cuss, or drink or have sex to fit in or find love.
Life is great and I don't do any of that. I live off God's love and the energy I get from that. I'm extremely happy for what He's giving me and what I've yet to accomplish for Him.
I really hope they read this and look for a deeper relationship with Him, that doesn't consist of their previous past. I'm not judging them at all, I just want them to know I'm here if they want to talk and so is He.

Is This What I'm Supposed To Be Doing?

Many people have complimented me on my writing here and some have said this could possibly be a good career idea.
While I think it would be very fun to do this for a living, I'm not entirely sure how I would. I guess I could send my writings into a Christian magazine or online journals of some sort. But I don't really think any of my stuff is that good. It could be because it's me writing it and I'm my own worst critic.

I'm really not certain what God has planned for me. I'm excited for it, whatever it may be.



I want to thank everyone who let me know they read this and like it.

Charles
Joanna
Karen
Kristen
Lisa
Mitch
Ron
Saralynn
Steve
Susan


Thank you! Your comments about this are what make me want to keep writing and I really appreciate it.