Thursday, October 14, 2010
Forgive Me
Lyrics (Open in a new tab)
So, lately I've been noticing a few things that bring me to why I posted this video.
One, I've noticed how much music effects my mood.
A few months ago I posted a blog about buying Michael Buble's song "Haven't Met You Yet" and wanting to keep it, as I felt it was an okay song. Since then I have deleted most of my unchristian music (I say "most" because there are songs I managed to accidentally skip and keep forgetting to delete them) So out of my 358 songs; an exact number; only about 15 are secular.
I try to surround myself in music created for God, that way I don't get caught up in the worldly things with some of the lyrics you hear on a daily basic with the radio.
I do enjoy listening to secular songs from time to time, but find more and more that I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to.
I used to like "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum, but lately, I'm just noticing more and more how depressing that song is. "Your Body Is a Wonderland" by John Mayer seems a bit less romantic and just a little perverted.
I like surrounding myself in songs that fill me with the joy of God's love.
Another thing I'm noticing is how, even though I'm filled with happiness from the songs I do listen to, I'm not actually feeling God. Which makes me sad.
I know that you don't have that feeling every single second of every single day and that it can go away from time to time, but I hate that feeling. I just feel alone and I hate that. I'm just asking that you pray for me. I always get that "Oh, my goodness, He's abandoned me" feeling, although I know He'd never do that.
Anyway, this song has been my go-to song because I feel it connects with the two things I've been thinking about lately.
Since I have had a kind of dry spell, it gives me hope that He'll never leave and it's not Him, it's me. I know I need to work on a few things. I need to spend time with Him on a daily basis. I can't just sit here and feel bad for not feeling anything if I haven't called out to Him. I have to pray to Him, call out for Him and let Him know HE hasn't lost ME. This song has really lifted my spirits lately and helped me to understand that I can't expect God to do all the work while I just sit around waiting. He loves me unconditionally, yes, but He can't answer if no one is calling. I'm not someone who lacks knowledge of Christ, I know how to talk to Him and what to say. He knows that and He just wants me to reach out to Him. Well, I'm reaching out and asking for help emotionally and spiritually. I need You and I know I can't do ANY of this without You.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Updates
More updates, because a lot has been going on.
Work
I like my job a lot. It's so much fun and right now, I've been away for two days (I'm off Fri, Sat, and Sun every week) and I miss it. I only work four days a week, 8am-5pm. I'm usually not excited going in because it's early, but it grows on me during the day.
Sickness
For the past two weeks, I've had migraines on and off. I'm not sure what's been triggering them, but I wish they would go away. With the migraines comes dizziness, nausea, sometimes I actually throw up, sensitivity to light and sound, and I'm tired a lot. This has, luckily, only affected me once at work. I've been to the doctor twice for it and got pain medicine both times.
God
I had felt as though I'd lost my connection with God and was working to get it back. I had an amazing day at work when I just prayed and told Him He had control over my life. A few days later I didn't have that high feeling anymore and felt as though there was something I wasn't doing anymore to lose it. I was really confused as to what I had done and prayed about it. Later in the week Charles randomly starts a conversation about how people often assume that they're always supposed to feel Him and when they stop feeling Him they just think somethings wrong even when it's not. That really made me feel better and I've stopped doubting His presence.
Pre-Engagement book
I picked up a book at Mardels called Before You Get Engaged. It's a book that is trying to prepare you for engagement as well as help you decide whether this is the person God wants you to be with. There are things in the book about values and how your's should match your partner's. They are also sections about being at peace with your future wedding plans and if you're not, you should consider cancelling them. So far everything in the book has just further confirmed my want to marry Charles. The book has also helped me with being patient. I've learned I'm not quite ready to get married, but I am getting there quite quickly.
That's all I can think of for now. Thanks for reading!
Work
I like my job a lot. It's so much fun and right now, I've been away for two days (I'm off Fri, Sat, and Sun every week) and I miss it. I only work four days a week, 8am-5pm. I'm usually not excited going in because it's early, but it grows on me during the day.
Sickness
For the past two weeks, I've had migraines on and off. I'm not sure what's been triggering them, but I wish they would go away. With the migraines comes dizziness, nausea, sometimes I actually throw up, sensitivity to light and sound, and I'm tired a lot. This has, luckily, only affected me once at work. I've been to the doctor twice for it and got pain medicine both times.
God
I had felt as though I'd lost my connection with God and was working to get it back. I had an amazing day at work when I just prayed and told Him He had control over my life. A few days later I didn't have that high feeling anymore and felt as though there was something I wasn't doing anymore to lose it. I was really confused as to what I had done and prayed about it. Later in the week Charles randomly starts a conversation about how people often assume that they're always supposed to feel Him and when they stop feeling Him they just think somethings wrong even when it's not. That really made me feel better and I've stopped doubting His presence.
Pre-Engagement book
I picked up a book at Mardels called Before You Get Engaged. It's a book that is trying to prepare you for engagement as well as help you decide whether this is the person God wants you to be with. There are things in the book about values and how your's should match your partner's. They are also sections about being at peace with your future wedding plans and if you're not, you should consider cancelling them. So far everything in the book has just further confirmed my want to marry Charles. The book has also helped me with being patient. I've learned I'm not quite ready to get married, but I am getting there quite quickly.
That's all I can think of for now. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Numbness
Lately I've been thinking about my parents and how I feel about them passing away.
I could never explain how it feels, although my brother and I found a word that best describes it: numbness. To this day, almost two years after the fact, I'm not quite accepting of them being gone. Everyday I think of them. I want to call them and tell them something funny, or I think "Wow, I haven't talked to Mom in awhile, I wonder how she's doing." Then I remember. It's a weird feeling. When I think of their death, I don't get sad. I get a weird feeling like it's not real and it's just a dream. Like this weird numb feeling, like I'll be awake soon and start to feel something real again.
I almost expect to see them walk around the corner or call me sometimes just to see how I'm doing. I have dreams that they came back, they were just taking a break from the chaos, but they missed us and decided to come back. I have dreams that I'm frantically searching for them, sometimes I find them, but I wake up with an aching feeling. Realizing it wasn't real and I'm back to my dream version of reality.
I live a normal life day to day, but quite often get the weird feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just living to block out the numbness. I often get an odd feeling that I'm faking every human emotion so I don't have to deal with it, even though I know I'm not. When I'm happy, I'm truely happy, but my emotions are scattered and I usually can't control them.
I know if I didn't have Charles, I'd be a wreck. I took my mom's death the hardest. Possibly because I regret more things with my mom. I never in my entire life had a fight with my dad or once got mad at him. With Mom it was a daily thing. I regret so many things and just want a few more minutes with her to correct them. I know Charles is helping me in more way then he knows. If I didn't have him I never would have applied at a school. I probably wouldn't have held a job for too long either. I know emotionally I'd be a wreck and I'd never talk to anyone about it. I'd lock things up inside and have minor freaks out from not getting anything out, I know this because it's the one thing I regret with my mom. I never told her how I felt or had deep conversations with her.
The one huge thing I regret, the one thing I would say to her is why I was mad. One day, I got mad at someone. It made me so upset that I was crying all day about it. At this point she was okay, but she was bedridden. She asked me if I was okay and I said yes, like always. She asked if it was because of a guy and I said no. Even with her asking me, I was crying and I wouldn't talk to her. I never talked to her. If I had it to do over again, I would have told her, because I never did before and now I can't. She always begged me to just talk to her and she'd try to fix it and I'd never let her in. I regret that most.
People ask me, still, if they can do anything for me, and I finally came up with something each and every one of you can do for me.
Please don't neglect your parents. They may be young and healthy right now, but you never know what can happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Tell them you love them every minute of everyday. Call them randomly and just talk to them. If they mess up, don't freak out and get mad, everything they do is to help you. Trust me, you'll regret every single negative moment you had with them when they're gone and that's something you'll always live with. No matter how small the incident, you'll hold onto it and regret it. Help them around the house, if they haven't washed the dishes, do it. Show them in even the smallest ways that you love them. Create moments that you'll be proud of when they're gone. Moments you can look on and smile at. Listen to them, they're wiser than you are and they've been there before.
Just appreciate what you have, while you have it. You never know when God plans to take them from this life. I just don't want anymore numbness in the world.
I could never explain how it feels, although my brother and I found a word that best describes it: numbness. To this day, almost two years after the fact, I'm not quite accepting of them being gone. Everyday I think of them. I want to call them and tell them something funny, or I think "Wow, I haven't talked to Mom in awhile, I wonder how she's doing." Then I remember. It's a weird feeling. When I think of their death, I don't get sad. I get a weird feeling like it's not real and it's just a dream. Like this weird numb feeling, like I'll be awake soon and start to feel something real again.
I almost expect to see them walk around the corner or call me sometimes just to see how I'm doing. I have dreams that they came back, they were just taking a break from the chaos, but they missed us and decided to come back. I have dreams that I'm frantically searching for them, sometimes I find them, but I wake up with an aching feeling. Realizing it wasn't real and I'm back to my dream version of reality.
I live a normal life day to day, but quite often get the weird feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just living to block out the numbness. I often get an odd feeling that I'm faking every human emotion so I don't have to deal with it, even though I know I'm not. When I'm happy, I'm truely happy, but my emotions are scattered and I usually can't control them.
I know if I didn't have Charles, I'd be a wreck. I took my mom's death the hardest. Possibly because I regret more things with my mom. I never in my entire life had a fight with my dad or once got mad at him. With Mom it was a daily thing. I regret so many things and just want a few more minutes with her to correct them. I know Charles is helping me in more way then he knows. If I didn't have him I never would have applied at a school. I probably wouldn't have held a job for too long either. I know emotionally I'd be a wreck and I'd never talk to anyone about it. I'd lock things up inside and have minor freaks out from not getting anything out, I know this because it's the one thing I regret with my mom. I never told her how I felt or had deep conversations with her.
The one huge thing I regret, the one thing I would say to her is why I was mad. One day, I got mad at someone. It made me so upset that I was crying all day about it. At this point she was okay, but she was bedridden. She asked me if I was okay and I said yes, like always. She asked if it was because of a guy and I said no. Even with her asking me, I was crying and I wouldn't talk to her. I never talked to her. If I had it to do over again, I would have told her, because I never did before and now I can't. She always begged me to just talk to her and she'd try to fix it and I'd never let her in. I regret that most.
People ask me, still, if they can do anything for me, and I finally came up with something each and every one of you can do for me.
Please don't neglect your parents. They may be young and healthy right now, but you never know what can happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Tell them you love them every minute of everyday. Call them randomly and just talk to them. If they mess up, don't freak out and get mad, everything they do is to help you. Trust me, you'll regret every single negative moment you had with them when they're gone and that's something you'll always live with. No matter how small the incident, you'll hold onto it and regret it. Help them around the house, if they haven't washed the dishes, do it. Show them in even the smallest ways that you love them. Create moments that you'll be proud of when they're gone. Moments you can look on and smile at. Listen to them, they're wiser than you are and they've been there before.
Just appreciate what you have, while you have it. You never know when God plans to take them from this life. I just don't want anymore numbness in the world.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Do All to the Glory of God
Recently, Charles and I deleted our secular music off our iPods. Charles deleted everything and not one song is from a secular band anymore. Now, I deleted 400 songs worth of secular music, but I left songs I couldn't let go of.
Here's why: I don't feel that God is going to be disappointed or saddened by me keeping a song that may not be from a Christian artist, but still reminds me of Him. I've read up on it a bit, in 1 Corinthians it says, "Do all to the glory of God". If I'm singing a song that reminds me of Him, then I'm singing to or for Him. How could that be bad?
My point is, we're supposed to do things for Christ. So if we see God in things that aren't bad, but aren't obviously praising Him, yet in our hearts it's praise, can it be bad?
I heard a song that I absolutely adore, by Michael Buble. It's called Haven't Met You Yet. Charles wasn't really thrilled with the idea of me wanting it since it's not by a Christian artist and I understand that. The song (to me) is about waiting patiently for the person God has created for you. Now the song doesn't mention God, but even Christian artist don't mention Him in everything. I like the song and I want to buy it.
I guess what I'm getting at here is:
Am I wrong for wanting to listen to music that isn't out in out praising Him, but I feel like I'm glorifying Him by singing a song I feel is for Him? I just want a few opinions from people who know the Bible better than me. In my head, I don't feel it's wrong. The songs I've kept or want do not disgrace Him or put Him down. While listening to some, I even think they're about Him. I don't see how that's wrong. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?
Here's why: I don't feel that God is going to be disappointed or saddened by me keeping a song that may not be from a Christian artist, but still reminds me of Him. I've read up on it a bit, in 1 Corinthians it says, "Do all to the glory of God". If I'm singing a song that reminds me of Him, then I'm singing to or for Him. How could that be bad?
My point is, we're supposed to do things for Christ. So if we see God in things that aren't bad, but aren't obviously praising Him, yet in our hearts it's praise, can it be bad?
I heard a song that I absolutely adore, by Michael Buble. It's called Haven't Met You Yet. Charles wasn't really thrilled with the idea of me wanting it since it's not by a Christian artist and I understand that. The song (to me) is about waiting patiently for the person God has created for you. Now the song doesn't mention God, but even Christian artist don't mention Him in everything. I like the song and I want to buy it.
I guess what I'm getting at here is:
Am I wrong for wanting to listen to music that isn't out in out praising Him, but I feel like I'm glorifying Him by singing a song I feel is for Him? I just want a few opinions from people who know the Bible better than me. In my head, I don't feel it's wrong. The songs I've kept or want do not disgrace Him or put Him down. While listening to some, I even think they're about Him. I don't see how that's wrong. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Updates
Every now and then, I like to fill people in on what's going on in my life. This is one of those blogs.
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WORK
Work is good. I'm really enjoying it. I like everything involved in it and the people are great. I've been noticing that the days go by so fast and before I know it, I'm going home. I've cut my fingers a few times and even sandpapered part of my nail off, but other than that, it's great. I'm also still at Watermark and I like that as well, too. It gets pretty tiring, having to go from one job to the next and get home at about 9 some nights, but the money is good. I'm not at Chick-fil-A anymore, so if you're wondering why you haven't seen me, that's why.
APARTMENT
I had a friend over a few weeks ago and she forced me to clean. So my apartment looks fabulous again and I'm planning to keep it this way. The cats are good. Sometimes I want to kill them, but today they're okay. Max freaked out on my the other day, I guess she thought I was going to step on her as I was stepping over her and she got up to run, causing me to trip over her and stand on her stomach for a good two to three seconds before I was able to get my balance back. She howled really loud and I screamed at her for being so stupid. I felt bad after, but I was so mad when it happened. She's okay, no damage, except maybe to her ego.
CHURCH
I have been going to Charles' church lately and will probably continue to go there. I like it a lot and want to continue going. When we get married, we need to find a church we both like and his might be that church. It just so happens to be the same church my mom went to when she was little. Very cool.
OTHER THINGS
I finally got a dryer, after having mine broken for almost a year. I've never been so happy to have clothes to dry.
I'm tired, so I'm out. Good night!
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WORK
Work is good. I'm really enjoying it. I like everything involved in it and the people are great. I've been noticing that the days go by so fast and before I know it, I'm going home. I've cut my fingers a few times and even sandpapered part of my nail off, but other than that, it's great. I'm also still at Watermark and I like that as well, too. It gets pretty tiring, having to go from one job to the next and get home at about 9 some nights, but the money is good. I'm not at Chick-fil-A anymore, so if you're wondering why you haven't seen me, that's why.
APARTMENT
I had a friend over a few weeks ago and she forced me to clean. So my apartment looks fabulous again and I'm planning to keep it this way. The cats are good. Sometimes I want to kill them, but today they're okay. Max freaked out on my the other day, I guess she thought I was going to step on her as I was stepping over her and she got up to run, causing me to trip over her and stand on her stomach for a good two to three seconds before I was able to get my balance back. She howled really loud and I screamed at her for being so stupid. I felt bad after, but I was so mad when it happened. She's okay, no damage, except maybe to her ego.
CHURCH
I have been going to Charles' church lately and will probably continue to go there. I like it a lot and want to continue going. When we get married, we need to find a church we both like and his might be that church. It just so happens to be the same church my mom went to when she was little. Very cool.
OTHER THINGS
I finally got a dryer, after having mine broken for almost a year. I've never been so happy to have clothes to dry.
I'm tired, so I'm out. Good night!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
I Can Only Imagine
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence
or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing halleluiah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I'm eager to know what it'll be like to see Him.
I want to fall to my knees. I want to be so amazed that I can't even move.
I want to talk to Him and ask Him questions. I want to be in such awe that I can't speak.
I want to be grateful to be closer to Him. I want to be ashamed for being so unworthy.
I want to sing for Him. I want to dance for the Lord.
I want to cry in amazement and smile in joy.
I don't know what I'll do. But above all, I'll be forgiven and accepted.
What my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence
or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing halleluiah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I'm eager to know what it'll be like to see Him.
I want to fall to my knees. I want to be so amazed that I can't even move.
I want to talk to Him and ask Him questions. I want to be in such awe that I can't speak.
I want to be grateful to be closer to Him. I want to be ashamed for being so unworthy.
I want to sing for Him. I want to dance for the Lord.
I want to cry in amazement and smile in joy.
I don't know what I'll do. But above all, I'll be forgiven and accepted.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
55 Things You Probably Didn't Know
I'm just posting this for fun. You might even learning a little more about me.
1. My favorite color is pink. I like light pink and hot pink, but not so much anything in between. I like when hot pink is mixed with black or yellow and I like when light pink is mixed with brown.
2. I have a weird obsession with Converse. If I see a movie that has a bad guy, I'll obviously dislike him, but if I notice he has Converse on I find him to be okay in my book. Hey, I told you it was a weird obsession. I find Converse to be sexy. Idk why.
3. I love mixed tapes. I think one of the cutest things a guy can do for a girl is make her a mixed tape.
4. I like homemade cards. I don't want a card that says something someone else thought up. I want a piece of paper, folded in half with a picture you drew and your own words inside. It means more to me than an $.80 card that Hallmark made.
5. I love cooking, although, I rarely take the time to do it. I like being in the kitchen, making something delicious, while I listen to music and dance horribly.
6. I listen to a large variety of music. I like songs from The Rocket Summer, Taylor Swift, Jason Derülo, Journey, Jimmy Eat World, Frédéric Chopin, Underoath, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster, Flobots, Beyonce, Ludwig van Beethoven, and Katy Perry. I listen to Classical, Oldies, Country, R&B, Rock, Pop, and Indie.
7. My favorite tv show is Dexter. Something about a serial killer that kills serial killers is just so awesome to me. I like his dark humor and sarcasm, it just slays me, no pun intended. :)
8. I like helping people. Although sometimes I help the wrong people and they take advantage. But I feel compelled to help someone in need and I can't seem to control it.
9. I sleep with a thick blanket and two fans on. I could probably just as easily have no blanket and one fan on, but I'm attached to the blanket and don't like sleeping without it.
10. I watch movies with subtitles. It's
makes it easy to understand what people are saying at certain times in the movie. It drives me crazy when the subtitles are worded different from the actually scripted lines.
11. I don't like flowers. I do, but not as a gift. I would prefer a single rose as opposed to a whole bouquet.
12. If I could only listen to one song for the rest of my life, it would be either "Konstantine" by Something Corporate, or "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercyme. I'd have to flip a coin.
13. I like unusual names. I have numerous names picked put for my, hopefully, future kids, and I've never heard a single person with any of the names before in my life.
14. I have a birthmark on my hip. I fell in love with it when I was little, but now it's just there. I don't like or dislike it now.
15. I want to teach American Sign Language. I think it's beautiful and have developed a love for those who speak it. Although, I do not know much right now.
16. I like crime shows. I think being a crime scene investigator would be amazing.
17. I hate white walls. They're so plain and boring. I have my color themes picked out for each room, once I have a house of my own. All colors are bright and none are the same.
18. I like brick homes. I think they're cute. I want one.
19. I once got my waterlines tattooed. It is a common thing women get so it looks like they have eyeliner on. I didn't finish because it hurt so bad. I have a faint line on both bottom waterlines, which I use as an eyeliner guideline.
20. I searched desperately for footie pajamas one Christmas. I am now the proud owner of pink/brown striped footie pajamas.
21. I have one kidney. I found out, at 14 years old, that my left kidney never developed. Thus leaving me with one. And even though I have yet to have kidney trouble, my brother promised me one of his, in case my one gives up.
22. My first car was a stick shift, which was later sold because of my inability to drive it. I told my mom not to buy me a stick shift because I couldn't drive one. She got one and realized later after hours of practice, I was not kidding.
23. I found out, while in Hawaii, that Starfish are living creatures. I thought they were like shells, only....well, star-shaped. I found one on the beach and picked it up. It started moving and I screamed and threw it in the ocean.
24. My favorite picture ever is the last picture I ever took of me and my mom together. It's hanging on my fridge.
25. I want naturally red hair so bad.
26. I can whistle both ways: blowing air in or out. Although, I'm more accurate in, even though most people blow out.
27. When blowing bubbles with gum, I can blow a bubble inside a bubble inside a bubble.
28. I bite my nails when I'm nervous. If I'm extremely nervous, I have a bad habit of biting my lip.
29. I don't like blood. It creeps me out. I also don't understand why it's pronounces bl-ud, when it looks like it should be pronounced like blue-d.
30. I wrote a poem about drunk driving when I was in 5th grade. It was featured in a book. I still remember most of it.
31. I'm a shopaholic. I can't seem to walk into a store without leaving with something.
32. I like rings that turn my finger green.
33. I'm afraid of water. I don't like it touching my face, because I feel like I'm drowning.
34. When I was 10-11, I had a huge wart on my foot for 2 years. I was convinced it would never go away. Luckily, it did. And, no, two years is not an exaggeration.
35. I can turn/bend my feet in weird ways. Most people are amazed, but I don't think it's anything special.
36. I have never broken a single bone in my body. I've also never had a cavity or any dental work done other than extractions of my wisdom teeth and one baby tooth. I've never been to the hospital (for myself) or gone to the doctor for anything other than a common sickness.
37. I think my eyes are the most beautiful thing about me.
38. When I was 16, I wanted big lips. I started pouting my bottom lip to make it look bigger, now I naturally pout my bottom lip and can't stop.
39. I used to hate the color of my lips. They're so dark, I can't wear lipstick because the color isn't seen. My mom told me she prayed I'd have dark lips, since her's were pale. I love my lips now and wouldn't change them for the world.
40. I think my nose looks big in pictures, but normal size any other time. I'm not self conscious about my nose, so I don't know why I see it that way.
41. When I turn up the volume on something, the number it's on has to be an even number, or I can't concentrate. I don't know why.
42. I always thought deviled eggs were pronounced debbled eggs. I only recently found out my mistake.
43. I like dreaming. I'm usually upset when I can't remember my dreams in the morning.
44. I'm scared of growing up. Responsibility fightens me.
45. I like writing checks, that's the only reason I like when bills come.
46. I want a lip ring really bad, but needles scare me.
47. I'm claustrophobic. I can be in elevators, unless there's more than a few people. I have to focus on breathing to keep from freaking out.
48. I bought a bunch of magnetic words so I could put cool quotes on my fridge. I spent about $200 on 4-5 different packs. I have yet to use them.
49. When I'm mad at someone, I fantasize about telling them off. That's my way of cooling off.
50. When I was in preschool, I took a glow-in-the-dark Casper the Friendly Ghost toy to school for show and tell. Someone stole it. My brother later found it in a boy's backpack. I still remember his name and what he looked like.
51. I remember being mean to my best friend because no one else liked her and that made me uncool. I am still so sorry for that.
52. I knew at a young age that I'd marry someone of a different ethnicity. Even when I was younger, I was never really into white guys.
53. I'm 5' 1". Which is only 2 inches above being legally a midget.
54. I have a foot phobia.
55. I like to read. In '08, my goal was to read at least 10 books. I made it to 11.
1. My favorite color is pink. I like light pink and hot pink, but not so much anything in between. I like when hot pink is mixed with black or yellow and I like when light pink is mixed with brown.
2. I have a weird obsession with Converse. If I see a movie that has a bad guy, I'll obviously dislike him, but if I notice he has Converse on I find him to be okay in my book. Hey, I told you it was a weird obsession. I find Converse to be sexy. Idk why.
3. I love mixed tapes. I think one of the cutest things a guy can do for a girl is make her a mixed tape.
4. I like homemade cards. I don't want a card that says something someone else thought up. I want a piece of paper, folded in half with a picture you drew and your own words inside. It means more to me than an $.80 card that Hallmark made.
5. I love cooking, although, I rarely take the time to do it. I like being in the kitchen, making something delicious, while I listen to music and dance horribly.
6. I listen to a large variety of music. I like songs from The Rocket Summer, Taylor Swift, Jason Derülo, Journey, Jimmy Eat World, Frédéric Chopin, Underoath, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster, Flobots, Beyonce, Ludwig van Beethoven, and Katy Perry. I listen to Classical, Oldies, Country, R&B, Rock, Pop, and Indie.
7. My favorite tv show is Dexter. Something about a serial killer that kills serial killers is just so awesome to me. I like his dark humor and sarcasm, it just slays me, no pun intended. :)
8. I like helping people. Although sometimes I help the wrong people and they take advantage. But I feel compelled to help someone in need and I can't seem to control it.
9. I sleep with a thick blanket and two fans on. I could probably just as easily have no blanket and one fan on, but I'm attached to the blanket and don't like sleeping without it.
10. I watch movies with subtitles. It's
makes it easy to understand what people are saying at certain times in the movie. It drives me crazy when the subtitles are worded different from the actually scripted lines.
11. I don't like flowers. I do, but not as a gift. I would prefer a single rose as opposed to a whole bouquet.
12. If I could only listen to one song for the rest of my life, it would be either "Konstantine" by Something Corporate, or "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercyme. I'd have to flip a coin.
13. I like unusual names. I have numerous names picked put for my, hopefully, future kids, and I've never heard a single person with any of the names before in my life.
14. I have a birthmark on my hip. I fell in love with it when I was little, but now it's just there. I don't like or dislike it now.
15. I want to teach American Sign Language. I think it's beautiful and have developed a love for those who speak it. Although, I do not know much right now.
16. I like crime shows. I think being a crime scene investigator would be amazing.
17. I hate white walls. They're so plain and boring. I have my color themes picked out for each room, once I have a house of my own. All colors are bright and none are the same.
18. I like brick homes. I think they're cute. I want one.
19. I once got my waterlines tattooed. It is a common thing women get so it looks like they have eyeliner on. I didn't finish because it hurt so bad. I have a faint line on both bottom waterlines, which I use as an eyeliner guideline.
20. I searched desperately for footie pajamas one Christmas. I am now the proud owner of pink/brown striped footie pajamas.
21. I have one kidney. I found out, at 14 years old, that my left kidney never developed. Thus leaving me with one. And even though I have yet to have kidney trouble, my brother promised me one of his, in case my one gives up.
22. My first car was a stick shift, which was later sold because of my inability to drive it. I told my mom not to buy me a stick shift because I couldn't drive one. She got one and realized later after hours of practice, I was not kidding.
23. I found out, while in Hawaii, that Starfish are living creatures. I thought they were like shells, only....well, star-shaped. I found one on the beach and picked it up. It started moving and I screamed and threw it in the ocean.
24. My favorite picture ever is the last picture I ever took of me and my mom together. It's hanging on my fridge.
25. I want naturally red hair so bad.
26. I can whistle both ways: blowing air in or out. Although, I'm more accurate in, even though most people blow out.
27. When blowing bubbles with gum, I can blow a bubble inside a bubble inside a bubble.
28. I bite my nails when I'm nervous. If I'm extremely nervous, I have a bad habit of biting my lip.
29. I don't like blood. It creeps me out. I also don't understand why it's pronounces bl-ud, when it looks like it should be pronounced like blue-d.
30. I wrote a poem about drunk driving when I was in 5th grade. It was featured in a book. I still remember most of it.
31. I'm a shopaholic. I can't seem to walk into a store without leaving with something.
32. I like rings that turn my finger green.
33. I'm afraid of water. I don't like it touching my face, because I feel like I'm drowning.
34. When I was 10-11, I had a huge wart on my foot for 2 years. I was convinced it would never go away. Luckily, it did. And, no, two years is not an exaggeration.
35. I can turn/bend my feet in weird ways. Most people are amazed, but I don't think it's anything special.
36. I have never broken a single bone in my body. I've also never had a cavity or any dental work done other than extractions of my wisdom teeth and one baby tooth. I've never been to the hospital (for myself) or gone to the doctor for anything other than a common sickness.
37. I think my eyes are the most beautiful thing about me.
38. When I was 16, I wanted big lips. I started pouting my bottom lip to make it look bigger, now I naturally pout my bottom lip and can't stop.
39. I used to hate the color of my lips. They're so dark, I can't wear lipstick because the color isn't seen. My mom told me she prayed I'd have dark lips, since her's were pale. I love my lips now and wouldn't change them for the world.
40. I think my nose looks big in pictures, but normal size any other time. I'm not self conscious about my nose, so I don't know why I see it that way.
41. When I turn up the volume on something, the number it's on has to be an even number, or I can't concentrate. I don't know why.
42. I always thought deviled eggs were pronounced debbled eggs. I only recently found out my mistake.
43. I like dreaming. I'm usually upset when I can't remember my dreams in the morning.
44. I'm scared of growing up. Responsibility fightens me.
45. I like writing checks, that's the only reason I like when bills come.
46. I want a lip ring really bad, but needles scare me.
47. I'm claustrophobic. I can be in elevators, unless there's more than a few people. I have to focus on breathing to keep from freaking out.
48. I bought a bunch of magnetic words so I could put cool quotes on my fridge. I spent about $200 on 4-5 different packs. I have yet to use them.
49. When I'm mad at someone, I fantasize about telling them off. That's my way of cooling off.
50. When I was in preschool, I took a glow-in-the-dark Casper the Friendly Ghost toy to school for show and tell. Someone stole it. My brother later found it in a boy's backpack. I still remember his name and what he looked like.
51. I remember being mean to my best friend because no one else liked her and that made me uncool. I am still so sorry for that.
52. I knew at a young age that I'd marry someone of a different ethnicity. Even when I was younger, I was never really into white guys.
53. I'm 5' 1". Which is only 2 inches above being legally a midget.
54. I have a foot phobia.
55. I like to read. In '08, my goal was to read at least 10 books. I made it to 11.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The dream
I had an odd dream a few nights ago.
I dreamt I was working at Watermark. All my family was there. No actual Watermark workers. Just my family. Everyone was going around trying to get things in order. Someone told me that I needed to find something and that I should go on all the floors to find it (Watermark has about 8 floors).
So I was searching high and low for this thing, I can't remember what it was, though. But I was looking for it everywhere and couldn't find it. Then I decided I would look for something else; my mom.
Now during the dream I actually remember thinking, "Why would Mom be here? She passed away a year and a half ago." but I was looking anyway. I was running through the halls screaming for her and I couldn't find her. But I knew she was there. I kept looking until finally, I found her. I started crying and I ran to hug her. I told her how happy I was to see her again and how much I missed her. I told her I loved her and that I didn't want her to leave.
And then I woke up.
I hate when I wake up wishing my dream was real, because no matter how hard I wish and pray it never is.
But I do know that one day that will be real. I will get to see her again, I'll get to hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I've missed her. I'll get to tell her about all the things I accomplished after she was gone. She'll eventually get to meet Charles and I'm happy about that as well. Although, I'm sure my dad has told her all he knows and I'm sure she approves.
This has just been on my mind since the dream. Although I'm not sure why I had the dream, it's good to know my mind is still thinking about her, even when I'm not awake. I don't want to forget. I can't ever forget.
I dreamt I was working at Watermark. All my family was there. No actual Watermark workers. Just my family. Everyone was going around trying to get things in order. Someone told me that I needed to find something and that I should go on all the floors to find it (Watermark has about 8 floors).
So I was searching high and low for this thing, I can't remember what it was, though. But I was looking for it everywhere and couldn't find it. Then I decided I would look for something else; my mom.
Now during the dream I actually remember thinking, "Why would Mom be here? She passed away a year and a half ago." but I was looking anyway. I was running through the halls screaming for her and I couldn't find her. But I knew she was there. I kept looking until finally, I found her. I started crying and I ran to hug her. I told her how happy I was to see her again and how much I missed her. I told her I loved her and that I didn't want her to leave.
And then I woke up.
I hate when I wake up wishing my dream was real, because no matter how hard I wish and pray it never is.
But I do know that one day that will be real. I will get to see her again, I'll get to hug her and kiss her and tell her how much I've missed her. I'll get to tell her about all the things I accomplished after she was gone. She'll eventually get to meet Charles and I'm happy about that as well. Although, I'm sure my dad has told her all he knows and I'm sure she approves.
This has just been on my mind since the dream. Although I'm not sure why I had the dream, it's good to know my mind is still thinking about her, even when I'm not awake. I don't want to forget. I can't ever forget.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
It's God
No matter what you think about the song or the artist, please watch this video before you read this post. If you don't like it, it doesn't matter. Pay attention to the words.
After a three month hiatus, I decided to write again. I've been having my ups and downs, good days and bad days. Trying to figure out what I believe and trying to fully dedicate my life to Him.
Changing is hard, well, for me it is. Telling yourself, "Okay, you can't watch this anymore." or "You can't listen to this or hang out with this person because it's only going to pull you away from Him."
I've had days where I didn't care to take the time to stop doing something or stop watching something or even to just stop and pray. I've had days where I did stop, days where I took the time to pray and acknowledge that He was there.
I'm still working on it all, but one thing I've always wanted to do was defend myself and my God. I've always wanted to tell someone why I believe in Him, why I know He's there.
Well, I haven't actually gotten to do that yet, I just wanted to share with others why I know He's with us.
On a side note: I'm not a fan of rap. At all. I really don't like it. But I bought a KJ-52 album (Behind the Musik) and I am really enjoying it. Honestly, this album is what's bringing me closer to God. Every time I hear a song by him, I just get so excited about being His child. His music is so inspiring to me, because it just tells of how much God loves us and what He gave for us.
Anyway, back to my post.
I used to look around and just see things. Nothing in particular. Just things. People, places, items. Nothing important. But I've been looking around a lot lately and I've been seeing something different. I see God a lot. Everywhere.
I see God when I look at a single, pregnant woman who's keeping the baby even though, for now, she has no way to take care of it.
I see God when I see a beautiful forest even though people are going to tear down to build a shopping mall that we don't need.
I see God when I see a child learn to walk or talk.
I see God when I hear a song written for Him.
I see God when some one's pain is taken and they get to be with Him.
I see God when my niece says her adorable prayers at night.
I see God when children play.
I see God when I see a family praying at a restaurant.
I see God when someone decides to get help.
I see God when I see people gathering to talk about Him, even though right now it's almost like a disease to believe in Him.
I see God in a disaster, because it brings people together.
I see God in so many things.
Maybe this doesn't really make sense to you, or maybe you think it's one of my worse posts, but I get it, He gets it. I just don't really know how to explain it properly. Either way, it's been on my heart to post this, even though I desperately want to delete it because it isn't quite coming out how I want. But I won't.
After a three month hiatus, I decided to write again. I've been having my ups and downs, good days and bad days. Trying to figure out what I believe and trying to fully dedicate my life to Him.
Changing is hard, well, for me it is. Telling yourself, "Okay, you can't watch this anymore." or "You can't listen to this or hang out with this person because it's only going to pull you away from Him."
I've had days where I didn't care to take the time to stop doing something or stop watching something or even to just stop and pray. I've had days where I did stop, days where I took the time to pray and acknowledge that He was there.
I'm still working on it all, but one thing I've always wanted to do was defend myself and my God. I've always wanted to tell someone why I believe in Him, why I know He's there.
Well, I haven't actually gotten to do that yet, I just wanted to share with others why I know He's with us.
On a side note: I'm not a fan of rap. At all. I really don't like it. But I bought a KJ-52 album (Behind the Musik) and I am really enjoying it. Honestly, this album is what's bringing me closer to God. Every time I hear a song by him, I just get so excited about being His child. His music is so inspiring to me, because it just tells of how much God loves us and what He gave for us.
Anyway, back to my post.
I used to look around and just see things. Nothing in particular. Just things. People, places, items. Nothing important. But I've been looking around a lot lately and I've been seeing something different. I see God a lot. Everywhere.
I see God when I look at a single, pregnant woman who's keeping the baby even though, for now, she has no way to take care of it.
I see God when I see a beautiful forest even though people are going to tear down to build a shopping mall that we don't need.
I see God when I see a child learn to walk or talk.
I see God when I hear a song written for Him.
I see God when some one's pain is taken and they get to be with Him.
I see God when my niece says her adorable prayers at night.
I see God when children play.
I see God when I see a family praying at a restaurant.
I see God when someone decides to get help.
I see God when I see people gathering to talk about Him, even though right now it's almost like a disease to believe in Him.
I see God in a disaster, because it brings people together.
I see God in so many things.
Maybe this doesn't really make sense to you, or maybe you think it's one of my worse posts, but I get it, He gets it. I just don't really know how to explain it properly. Either way, it's been on my heart to post this, even though I desperately want to delete it because it isn't quite coming out how I want. But I won't.
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