Numbness

Lately I've been thinking about my parents and how I feel about them passing away.
I could never explain how it feels, although my brother and I found a word that best describes it: numbness. To this day, almost two years after the fact, I'm not quite accepting of them being gone. Everyday I think of them. I want to call them and tell them something funny, or I think "Wow, I haven't talked to Mom in awhile, I wonder how she's doing." Then I remember. It's a weird feeling. When I think of their death, I don't get sad. I get a weird feeling like it's not real and it's just a dream. Like this weird numb feeling, like I'll be awake soon and start to feel something real again.
I almost expect to see them walk around the corner or call me sometimes just to see how I'm doing. I have dreams that they came back, they were just taking a break from the chaos, but they missed us and decided to come back. I have dreams that I'm frantically searching for them, sometimes I find them, but I wake up with an aching feeling. Realizing it wasn't real and I'm back to my dream version of reality.
I live a normal life day to day, but quite often get the weird feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just living to block out the numbness. I often get an odd feeling that I'm faking every human emotion so I don't have to deal with it, even though I know I'm not. When I'm happy, I'm truely happy, but my emotions are scattered and I usually can't control them.
I know if I didn't have Charles, I'd be a wreck. I took my mom's death the hardest. Possibly because I regret more things with my mom. I never in my entire life had a fight with my dad or once got mad at him. With Mom it was a daily thing. I regret so many things and just want a few more minutes with her to correct them. I know Charles is helping me in more way then he knows. If I didn't have him I never would have applied at a school. I probably wouldn't have held a job for too long either. I know emotionally I'd be a wreck and I'd never talk to anyone about it. I'd lock things up inside and have minor freaks out from not getting anything out, I know this because it's the one thing I regret with my mom. I never told her how I felt or had deep conversations with her.

The one huge thing I regret, the one thing I would say to her is why I was mad. One day, I got mad at someone. It made me so upset that I was crying all day about it. At this point she was okay, but she was bedridden. She asked me if I was okay and I said yes, like always. She asked if it was because of a guy and I said no. Even with her asking me, I was crying and I wouldn't talk to her. I never talked to her. If I had it to do over again, I would have told her, because I never did before and now I can't. She always begged me to just talk to her and she'd try to fix it and I'd never let her in. I regret that most.

People ask me, still, if they can do anything for me, and I finally came up with something each and every one of you can do for me.
Please don't neglect your parents. They may be young and healthy right now, but you never know what can happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Tell them you love them every minute of everyday. Call them randomly and just talk to them. If they mess up, don't freak out and get mad, everything they do is to help you. Trust me, you'll regret every single negative moment you had with them when they're gone and that's something you'll always live with. No matter how small the incident, you'll hold onto it and regret it. Help them around the house, if they haven't washed the dishes, do it. Show them in even the smallest ways that you love them. Create moments that you'll be proud of when they're gone. Moments you can look on and smile at. Listen to them, they're wiser than you are and they've been there before.
Just appreciate what you have, while you have it. You never know when God plans to take them from this life. I just don't want anymore numbness in the world.