I want to have money without working long, stressful hours to get it.
I want to sit down and feel relaxed.
I want to sleep and feel rested.
I want to sit and think about nothing at all.
I want all the thoughts in my head to just stop, so I can focus on living and not what I have to do next.
I want to just be.
So many things are going in right now and all of it is stressful.
• I have a little over 20 hours next week. My paycheck will barely have 35 hours on it.
• My dad is at home, on Hospice. He may only make it two more weeks.
• I start a new job on Wednesday and I'm really nervous about it.
• A friend is moving in with me for a few months. I hope it works out.
Everytime my boyfriend leaves I get sad and think about how much I want to get married, and then I realize it'll be another year.
To add to it all, the stress isn't just effecting me mentally. It's effecting me physically as well.
I'm sick all day. I get muscle aches and back pain. I can't concentrate. I rarely know what's going on around me. I'm always out of it. I wake up randomly at night. I cry at the most inconvenient moments.
It's getting to me.
I want to get away for awhile and relax. I desperately wish I had a Hawaii trip planned and I could just sleep by the ocean. I need something to run to for a few days.
It's all too much right now.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The Story of a Hero
He walked the dirty streets, famous for nothing.
He said, "Come walk with me." and they came. A face like all the rest, but something was different.
The Son of God would lead the way and soon they all would say, "There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."
He spoke with clarity. He walked across the sea. A single word would calm the storm. His touch could heal the sick, but he was called a hypocrite. Laid behind a stone, His death was shortly mourned. He left the curtains torn.
"There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."
He chose to take the cross. He shed tears for the lost, the broken, and the needy. Forgiving those who were and will be.
The angel made it clear. He told them, "Have no fear."
"He's not here! He's not here!"
"There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."
He said, "Come walk with me." and they came. A face like all the rest, but something was different.
The Son of God would lead the way and soon they all would say, "There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."
He spoke with clarity. He walked across the sea. A single word would calm the storm. His touch could heal the sick, but he was called a hypocrite. Laid behind a stone, His death was shortly mourned. He left the curtains torn.
"There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."
He chose to take the cross. He shed tears for the lost, the broken, and the needy. Forgiving those who were and will be.
The angel made it clear. He told them, "Have no fear."
"He's not here! He's not here!"
"There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Updates
I'm at the hospital sitting with my dad and I wanted to write a post, but I didn't know what to do it about so I thought I'd just let you all know what's been going on in my life.
I got a second job. At a childcare center. I'll be making $12 an hour, which is amazing. I'm only working Wednesdays though, but it's more work with more pay and that's great. I'm also trying to get a third job, that I can work in the day time everyday. If I can do that, it'll be amazing.
My boyfriend and I are doing great. I overheard that some people were concerned about me because of the Facebook statuses I've made lately. Here's explainations:
"How come I only hear from you when you're liquored up? Call me when you're sober."
No, a drunk person has not been calling me or harassing me. It's two quotes, from two songs, made into one.
"Ohio is for lovers, but I'm not looking for a lover, all those lovers are liars."
The same applies here. Two songs, one quote.
"If you love me, then just love me. Don't you give me pretty words."
Also a song quote.
"needs to learn to say no and the art of patience."
My boyfriend and I were going through some things and I felt like if I could say no and be patient it would be okay for us.
"When the storm comes, when the rain falls, you'll find I won't go away. Because I know you're not what you did, but I know you're broken inside. I'm sorry."
My favorite quote from a song a girl on YouTube wrote.
"I destroyed something beautiful. You can't be forgiven for that."
Also applies to the patience status.
"is blah. She's not even sure if that's a real emotion, but that's how she feels."
Everything with my dad was getting to me when I posted that.
So I'm okay, I'm not being abused, no one is hurting me. I'm fine. I randomly post based on my mood or if I have a quote from a song that I love. If my status is in quotations, then it's probably a song and doesn't necessarily have to do with anything in particular.
Our six month is Sunday and I can't wait for that. He treats me better than I deserve and I love him so much.
I'm hoping to get my car fixed because I'm pretty sure it's leaking oil, but we can't figure out from where.
I got my hair permed and I love it. But when I get out of the shower, the first 4-5 inches of the hair, near the roots won't curl anymore, so I'm going to buy some curling spray or something from Wal-mart. Also, the red has gone from my hair and it's brown again. I'm very sad. I LOVED the red and was planning to keep it that way for a few years. I'll probably dye it as close to my natural color as possibly and then leave it alone.
FYI, Netflix is the most amazing thing ever. EVER.
A friend may be moving in this week until October. I'm not sure but if she does it will be cool. If not that's fine too.
I can't think of anything else....
bye. :)
I got a second job. At a childcare center. I'll be making $12 an hour, which is amazing. I'm only working Wednesdays though, but it's more work with more pay and that's great. I'm also trying to get a third job, that I can work in the day time everyday. If I can do that, it'll be amazing.
My boyfriend and I are doing great. I overheard that some people were concerned about me because of the Facebook statuses I've made lately. Here's explainations:
"How come I only hear from you when you're liquored up? Call me when you're sober."
No, a drunk person has not been calling me or harassing me. It's two quotes, from two songs, made into one.
"Ohio is for lovers, but I'm not looking for a lover, all those lovers are liars."
The same applies here. Two songs, one quote.
"If you love me, then just love me. Don't you give me pretty words."
Also a song quote.
"needs to learn to say no and the art of patience."
My boyfriend and I were going through some things and I felt like if I could say no and be patient it would be okay for us.
"When the storm comes, when the rain falls, you'll find I won't go away. Because I know you're not what you did, but I know you're broken inside. I'm sorry."
My favorite quote from a song a girl on YouTube wrote.
"I destroyed something beautiful. You can't be forgiven for that."
Also applies to the patience status.
"is blah. She's not even sure if that's a real emotion, but that's how she feels."
Everything with my dad was getting to me when I posted that.
So I'm okay, I'm not being abused, no one is hurting me. I'm fine. I randomly post based on my mood or if I have a quote from a song that I love. If my status is in quotations, then it's probably a song and doesn't necessarily have to do with anything in particular.
Our six month is Sunday and I can't wait for that. He treats me better than I deserve and I love him so much.
I'm hoping to get my car fixed because I'm pretty sure it's leaking oil, but we can't figure out from where.
I got my hair permed and I love it. But when I get out of the shower, the first 4-5 inches of the hair, near the roots won't curl anymore, so I'm going to buy some curling spray or something from Wal-mart. Also, the red has gone from my hair and it's brown again. I'm very sad. I LOVED the red and was planning to keep it that way for a few years. I'll probably dye it as close to my natural color as possibly and then leave it alone.
FYI, Netflix is the most amazing thing ever. EVER.
A friend may be moving in this week until October. I'm not sure but if she does it will be cool. If not that's fine too.
I can't think of anything else....
bye. :)
Monday, June 8, 2009
I want to take a moment to talk about what's going on because I'm not good at expressing my feelings in person too well and I'm sure some of you who read this don't even know.
I'm 20. I lost my mom to brain cancer 7 months ago, when I was 19. Not even a year later, I'm losing my dad as well, also to cancer. I'm the kind of person who bottles thing up until it becomes too much, but with everything that's happened recently, I haven't with my dad. I haven't talked about it, but I've cried almost everyday.
I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid that when he does pass away, I'll be alone and because of that, I'm pushing marriage on my boyfriend. I hate that. Like a normal person, he wants to wait until we're financially ready. I love him for that. I'm also afraid I'll lose touch with people because maybe I think I'll get depressed when my dad's gone. Watchin him in the hospital, he's so much like Mom was in the end.
I can remember going to movies every Sunday. Eating dinner and renting two movies to watch while I was with him on the weekends. I can look at me and then at him and tell that I got his nose, ears, eyes and mouth.
It's going to be difficult knowing they won't be there when I graduate college. They're not going to get to meet their grandkids or hold them in their first moments of life. I'm thankful, though, that they did see me graduate high school and they did meet my brother's daughter. I'm sad that they'll miss out on the rest of my life, but I know one day I'll see them again. I can't wait for that.
I'm 20. I lost my mom to brain cancer 7 months ago, when I was 19. Not even a year later, I'm losing my dad as well, also to cancer. I'm the kind of person who bottles thing up until it becomes too much, but with everything that's happened recently, I haven't with my dad. I haven't talked about it, but I've cried almost everyday.
I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid that when he does pass away, I'll be alone and because of that, I'm pushing marriage on my boyfriend. I hate that. Like a normal person, he wants to wait until we're financially ready. I love him for that. I'm also afraid I'll lose touch with people because maybe I think I'll get depressed when my dad's gone. Watchin him in the hospital, he's so much like Mom was in the end.
I can remember going to movies every Sunday. Eating dinner and renting two movies to watch while I was with him on the weekends. I can look at me and then at him and tell that I got his nose, ears, eyes and mouth.
It's going to be difficult knowing they won't be there when I graduate college. They're not going to get to meet their grandkids or hold them in their first moments of life. I'm thankful, though, that they did see me graduate high school and they did meet my brother's daughter. I'm sad that they'll miss out on the rest of my life, but I know one day I'll see them again. I can't wait for that.
Monday, June 1, 2009
"Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy...Anger, tears, laughter. It's when you want to be with them despite it all. That's when you truly love them. I'm sure of it"
I want him. More than I've wanted anything.
I want to marry him. Without anyone saying we're too young or we should have waited.
I want to wake up in the morning and see him laying next to me.
I want to kiss him good morning, while seeing him smile.
I want to call him Husband, even though Boyfriend sounds cuter.
I want to get ready for work, while he's in the shower.
I want to make breakfast, I love cooking for him.
I want to eat lunch with him on our break and talk about our day so far.
I want to come home and tell him how much I missed him.
I want to lay on the couch and watch our favorite movie.
I want to go to sleep next to him.
I want to do all of that all over again for the rest of my life.
I want so badly to just know he's there and there's no curfew. No one waiting up to make sure he makes it home okay. Because he's already home. I want to know he'll be there when I wake up and he's there to cuddle until I go to sleep. I want to feel safe knowing I'm in his arms. I want a lot of things, but it's all so far away.
Lord, grant me the patience to wait on the greatness You have ahead of me. Help me to not rush what is coming soon. I know You have a plan, just help me wait on Your timing and not mine.
I want him. More than I've wanted anything.
I want to marry him. Without anyone saying we're too young or we should have waited.
I want to wake up in the morning and see him laying next to me.
I want to kiss him good morning, while seeing him smile.
I want to call him Husband, even though Boyfriend sounds cuter.
I want to get ready for work, while he's in the shower.
I want to make breakfast, I love cooking for him.
I want to eat lunch with him on our break and talk about our day so far.
I want to come home and tell him how much I missed him.
I want to lay on the couch and watch our favorite movie.
I want to go to sleep next to him.
I want to do all of that all over again for the rest of my life.
I want so badly to just know he's there and there's no curfew. No one waiting up to make sure he makes it home okay. Because he's already home. I want to know he'll be there when I wake up and he's there to cuddle until I go to sleep. I want to feel safe knowing I'm in his arms. I want a lot of things, but it's all so far away.
Lord, grant me the patience to wait on the greatness You have ahead of me. Help me to not rush what is coming soon. I know You have a plan, just help me wait on Your timing and not mine.
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