Green with Envy

It's always a relief when my need to be with him slows down or disappears completely. Unfortunately, it always comes back worse then it was before. I hate that.
A friend of mine recently got married. All I could think was how much I wanted that. Of course, I was very excited for them, but I just wondered why it couldn't come as quickly for me.

I'm really trying to work on it. I'm trying not to pressure or bug him and I'm really trying not to envy those who have taken that step in their relationship. I'm trying to work things out with myself, because I know why I have this feeling and he can't help with that.
I also know that it's going to be very hard in the upcoming months, because of things that I will be reminded of, but if I keep praying and trusting God, He will get me through it. I just need to get through this...

I'm begging You to turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart
I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

This past weekend I heard a song that I can't get out of my head. I really don't mind though, because the song is beautiful. The song also happens to be about how I feel right now.
I'm amazed at the greatness that is God. He's always there. You may not feel Him, but He's there.
Lately I've been trying to tell myself to focus on God more than others. Trying to tell myself to ask God for help and not other people. Talking to God and telling Him why I'm sad, asking Him what I should do, asking Him for strength.

I'm not perfect. I've done a lot of stupid things, over and over again. I've cursed, cheated, stolen things, thought bad things, did bad things, so many times. I've never told anyone about Him or invited a friend to church. But no matter what I do or don't do, and no matter how many times I do it, God forgives. God tells me it's okay. When I cry, He tells me He'll make it better soon. He tells me to just be patient. He tells me He has something much better in store for me. What ever it is, I don't deserve it, but I pray that I can wait for His timing. I need to learn to call on Him and learn that not everything comes when I want it to. I'm learning. I'll always be learning. I just hope one day I can be the person He created me to be.

Updates/Rumors

Hello! I've been away for awhile. I went through a horrible depression thing for about two weeks, but I'm feeling much better.

UPDATES!!!!

I got another cat! I know, I haven't posted pictures on Facebook, but I will soon, I promise. Her name is Max and she's so adorable. She's 3 months old. I'm taking her to the vet tomorrow to get a check up and make sure she's okay.

School is going great. I love it so much! We had finals on Thursday and I think I did pretty well! So far I'm making an A in the class, which is so good!

My apt is awful. I have a tornado watch on it right now. By that I mean, I'm trying to keep it less messy when I do something. I'll be cleaning it any time I have time.

My registration/inspection stickers went out on my car this month (more so today since it's the 31st) but luckily I was able to get both renewed today.
My bumper on my car is gone. I was at my boyfriend's house and on both sides of his driveway there are ditches....I backed into one. I know, I know, women drivers. :-P I'm getting it fixed on Wednesday.

Because of the depression I wasn't focusing on God and I lost touch with Him in a way, but I'm building myself back up with His help and trying to focus on Him more than myself. Pray I stay on track.


>:-O RUMORS!!! O-:<
Someone at work has started this awesome rumor that I'm pregnant. I don't know who it was, I don't know why, but I don't care. I just want the record to show that I am NOT pregnant. The reason I'm upset is because 1) it's not true and 2) this makes me and Charles look bad. I don't want to know the who's and why's, I just want it to stop. There is not and will not be a baby for many years. Thank you and good night!

God Bless!

I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go. I'll stop breathing if I don't see you anymore.

Soundtrack of my life...

I don't know if I could yell any louder. How many times have I kicked you out of here? Or said something insulting? I can be so mean when I wanna be. I am capable of really anything. I can cut you into pieces when my heart is broken.
How did I become so obnoxious? What is it with you that makes me act like this? I've never been this nasty. Can't you tell that this is just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest, but baby, I don't mean it, I mean it. I promise.

I forgot to say out loud, how beautiful you really are to me, I can't be without. You're my perfect little punching bag. And I need you. I'm sorry.
Please, don't leave me. I always say how I don't I need you, but it's always gonna come right back to this.

Please, don't leave me.

I spend about 98% of my time thinking about him.
I don't get it. I want to marry him so bad that I can't concentrate.
None of it makes sense. I want him and would marry him tomorrow if I could, but inside I know it's best that we wait. But even still, I would drop everything to be with him now.
We've discussed it many times and it always comes back to the same place; we have to wait. So I just don't want to talk about it now. It never ends in "okay, we'll get married" so I refuse to talk about it. I refuse because what I want is never an option. I don't discuss it because I also don't understand where my overwhelming desire for marriage is coming from. I have an idea: possibly the loss of both my parents. But I don't want him because I need him, I want him because I want him. I don't want him to be my security blanket, I want him to be my husband.
I don't even understand why. I know we can't, I understand we can't. But I want to. I desperately want to and right now that's all I want. I can't even sleep some nights and I really don't understand any of this.

I don't understand how I could be okay and understanding of waiting, yet hate it so much that I can't focus. I spend hours thinking of ways to speed up the process or maybe even convince him it's a good idea to do it now, but he never falls for it.
All of this came out of nowhere. I was fine and then one day, BOOM, I want to get married and nothing else matters. And it's been like that ever since.

I can't talk about it or think about it without starting to cry and I hate that because like I said, 98% of time is spent focused on this. This thing that I can't change and this thing that I can't have. I just want to focus on school and work and not this. It's making me go crazy. I can't keep doing this if I want to stay sane. It's eating at me and breaking me down and I don't like it.
I've prayed. I spend nights crying and praying and so far I haven't gotten anything. I'm obviously going to continue praying on it. I just really wish I could get an answer soon.

Mom and Dad,

A few months ago I got used to the fact that I wasn't going to see Mom anymore, but then I lost you. It's taking me a while, but I'm starting to realize that your both gone. I'm not sure why it's taken this long.
I still find myself wanting to call you guys and tell you about work or how fun school is. I've still yet to take either one of you out of my phone and I don't want to anytime soon. I still have ringtones I'm never going to hear because you guys can't call.
Dad got to meet Charles and I really wish you had, Mom. He's a great guy. I know that losing you two is why I want to be with him so bad and I'm working on being happy with just me and my relationship with God until we're ready to start new lives together.

I know you're both watching and I hope you're proud. I'm really trying to be okay and accepting of losing you two. It's hard, but God has a reason.
I miss both of you and I can't wait to see you guys again someday. I love you!

Dear Charles,

I love you more than words could ever explain. I know I tend to joke and bug you about getting married and I'm going to work on that. I feel like I'm going to make you lose interest in us by doing that so often.
My main fear is that I will lose you and I'm only heightening that by bringing marriage up so much. I know you want to wait until we're making enough money to support each other and I love you for that. I can't help but want to marry you now because you're so amazing.
I am going to work on my patience and wait for when the time is right for us. Even if that means waiting another year. I honestly don't want to, but for you, I will.
I love you, baby. I just want you to know that.
:)

Learning Some Patience Could Do Everyone Some Good, But Mostly Me

Lately I've been reminded of marriage, engagements, and wedding plans. All things I can't have right now.
Not because he won't commit or isn't sure about "us", but because we're not ready.
He wants to wait until we're financially ready to support each other, while still being able to put a percentage of every check to the side for savings and still be able to live off the rest of the check.
I want to get married now and use some money I have until we have great jobs.

This is why I'm so in love with him: he won't marry me now.
I know that sounds weird, but he's right. We shouldn't get married now. It'll only put us in a money rut later in our marriage and possibly cause us to get divorced.
I want to be with him forever. If I have to wait a few years for that, I will. I would wait an eternity if it meant he'd be there in the end. Even though I really wish he'd drop everything tomorrow and marry me, I'm thankful he's more interested in later rather than now and won't do that.

I know that before I know it, we'll be celebrating our 20th anniversary and all this waiting and torture will be a distant memory and possibly even forgotten. I pray that God will grant me the patience to wait on Him to decide and not us, or more so me. I know with everything God is possible and because of that, I can wait to marry him, whenever that may be. I can't rush what God has planned for me and I don't want to. If you think about it, please pray for me. I don't want to mess this up.

Updates

Just because I haven't updated in awhile, I'm going to do an update post.

I got a cat, as some of you may know. Pictures of her are on my facebook. For security reasons, I'm not posting a link here. But you can text/message me and I will give it to you.

I got a roommate. I was kind of regretting it at first and now I have mixed feelings. Some days are good, some days I get mad and wish she were gone. Just pray that everything will work out for the better.

My boyfriend and I just got to 7 months. I'm still so excited!

I start school soon, I can't wait.

What I Want...

I want to have money without working long, stressful hours to get it.
I want to sit down and feel relaxed.
I want to sleep and feel rested.
I want to sit and think about nothing at all.
I want all the thoughts in my head to just stop, so I can focus on living and not what I have to do next.
I want to just be.

So many things are going in right now and all of it is stressful.
• I have a little over 20 hours next week. My paycheck will barely have 35 hours on it.
• My dad is at home, on Hospice. He may only make it two more weeks.
• I start a new job on Wednesday and I'm really nervous about it.
• A friend is moving in with me for a few months. I hope it works out.
Everytime my boyfriend leaves I get sad and think about how much I want to get married, and then I realize it'll be another year.
To add to it all, the stress isn't just effecting me mentally. It's effecting me physically as well.
I'm sick all day. I get muscle aches and back pain. I can't concentrate. I rarely know what's going on around me. I'm always out of it. I wake up randomly at night. I cry at the most inconvenient moments.
It's getting to me.
I want to get away for awhile and relax. I desperately wish I had a Hawaii trip planned and I could just sleep by the ocean. I need something to run to for a few days.
It's all too much right now.

The Story of a Hero

He walked the dirty streets, famous for nothing.
He said, "Come walk with me." and they came. A face like all the rest, but something was different.
The Son of God would lead the way and soon they all would say, "There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."
He spoke with clarity. He walked across the sea. A single word would calm the storm. His touch could heal the sick, but he was called a hypocrite. Laid behind a stone, His death was shortly mourned. He left the curtains torn.

"There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."

He chose to take the cross. He shed tears for the lost, the broken, and the needy. Forgiving those who were and will be.
The angel made it clear. He told them, "Have no fear."

"He's not here! He's not here!"

"There He goes, a Hero. A Savior to the world. Here He stands, with scars in His hands. With love, He gave His life so we could be free. The Savior of the world."

Updates

I'm at the hospital sitting with my dad and I wanted to write a post, but I didn't know what to do it about so I thought I'd just let you all know what's been going on in my life.

I got a second job. At a childcare center. I'll be making $12 an hour, which is amazing. I'm only working Wednesdays though, but it's more work with more pay and that's great. I'm also trying to get a third job, that I can work in the day time everyday. If I can do that, it'll be amazing.

My boyfriend and I are doing great. I overheard that some people were concerned about me because of the Facebook statuses I've made lately. Here's explainations:

"How come I only hear from you when you're liquored up? Call me when you're sober."
No, a drunk person has not been calling me or harassing me. It's two quotes, from two songs, made into one.


"Ohio is for lovers, but I'm not looking for a lover, all those lovers are liars."
The same applies here. Two songs, one quote.


"If you love me, then just love me. Don't you give me pretty words."
Also a song quote.

"needs to learn to say no and the art of patience."
My boyfriend and I were going through some things and I felt like if I could say no and be patient it would be okay for us.

"When the storm comes, when the rain falls, you'll find I won't go away. Because I know you're not what you did, but I know you're broken inside. I'm sorry."
My favorite quote from a song a girl on YouTube wrote.


"I destroyed something beautiful. You can't be forgiven for that."
Also applies to the patience status.

"is blah. She's not even sure if that's a real emotion, but that's how she feels."
Everything with my dad was getting to me when I posted that.

So I'm okay, I'm not being abused, no one is hurting me. I'm fine. I randomly post based on my mood or if I have a quote from a song that I love. If my status is in quotations, then it's probably a song and doesn't necessarily have to do with anything in particular.

Our six month is Sunday and I can't wait for that. He treats me better than I deserve and I love him so much.


I'm hoping to get my car fixed because I'm pretty sure it's leaking oil, but we can't figure out from where.

I got my hair permed and I love it. But when I get out of the shower, the first 4-5 inches of the hair, near the roots won't curl anymore, so I'm going to buy some curling spray or something from Wal-mart. Also, the red has gone from my hair and it's brown again. I'm very sad. I LOVED the red and was planning to keep it that way for a few years. I'll probably dye it as close to my natural color as possibly and then leave it alone.

FYI, Netflix is the most amazing thing ever. EVER.

A friend may be moving in this week until October. I'm not sure but if she does it will be cool. If not that's fine too.


I can't think of anything else....
bye. :)

I want to take a moment to talk about what's going on because I'm not good at expressing my feelings in person too well and I'm sure some of you who read this don't even know.

I'm 20. I lost my mom to brain cancer 7 months ago, when I was 19. Not even a year later, I'm losing my dad as well, also to cancer. I'm the kind of person who bottles thing up until it becomes too much, but with everything that's happened recently, I haven't with my dad. I haven't talked about it, but I've cried almost everyday.
I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid that when he does pass away, I'll be alone and because of that, I'm pushing marriage on my boyfriend. I hate that. Like a normal person, he wants to wait until we're financially ready. I love him for that. I'm also afraid I'll lose touch with people because maybe I think I'll get depressed when my dad's gone. Watchin him in the hospital, he's so much like Mom was in the end.

I can remember going to movies every Sunday. Eating dinner and renting two movies to watch while I was with him on the weekends. I can look at me and then at him and tell that I got his nose, ears, eyes and mouth.

It's going to be difficult knowing they won't be there when I graduate college. They're not going to get to meet their grandkids or hold them in their first moments of life. I'm thankful, though, that they did see me graduate high school and they did meet my brother's daughter. I'm sad that they'll miss out on the rest of my life, but I know one day I'll see them again. I can't wait for that.

"Falling in love with someone isn't always going to be easy...Anger, tears, laughter. It's when you want to be with them despite it all. That's when you truly love them. I'm sure of it"


I want him. More than I've wanted anything.
I want to marry him. Without anyone saying we're too young or we should have waited.
I want to wake up in the morning and see him laying next to me.
I want to kiss him good morning, while seeing him smile.
I want to call him Husband, even though Boyfriend sounds cuter.
I want to get ready for work, while he's in the shower.
I want to make breakfast, I love cooking for him.
I want to eat lunch with him on our break and talk about our day so far.
I want to come home and tell him how much I missed him.
I want to lay on the couch and watch our favorite movie.
I want to go to sleep next to him.
I want to do all of that all over again for the rest of my life.

I want so badly to just know he's there and there's no curfew. No one waiting up to make sure he makes it home okay. Because he's already home. I want to know he'll be there when I wake up and he's there to cuddle until I go to sleep. I want to feel safe knowing I'm in his arms. I want a lot of things, but it's all so far away.

Lord, grant me the patience to wait on the greatness You have ahead of me. Help me to not rush what is coming soon. I know You have a plan, just help me wait on Your timing and not mine.

Ug...

Okay, so I'm going to write this blog while all this is on my mind and bugging me so I have a way to let it out.

I am so stressed lately. I can't remember what I have planned for what day, at what time, or where it's at. I have so much to do. I'm supposed to go to a photoshoot with two friends tomorrow, because they're both leaving for college in a few days/weeks. I'm not even sure where I'm meeting them up at. I just know I have to be there at 2:15pm. Then I have to work from 4pm to close, which is generally 10:30-10:45pm. Then on Thursday I work from 7am to 3pm. I have a hair appointment at 5 to get a perm. Friday I know I work, I just don't know what time and then I'm supposed to take a friend out to dinner. Saturday I work 12pm-5pm, and then I have to go to my friend's graduation.
Besides all that I have graduation gifts that I'm apparently supposed to get my friends. Then my boyfriend and I have a 6 month anniversery coming next month and I'm getting him some things. My brothers birthday is Thursday and I offered to take him to dinner.
I also have to fix my car because the oil light is on and it's making funny noises. My fridge isn't working and I just went grocery shopping.

To top all the off, I found an army of ants on my rug in my living room because I'm lazy and didn't throw something away.
That was what broke me. I saw all those ants and thought, "How am I supposed to clean all that up? There's so many!" and I just started crying.
I need a break. I want to be able to wake up one morning and say, "I have nothing to do today. This feels nice." I'm stressed and tired and I can't take. I can't do anything about it either. I just want to relax and know that no one needs me to do anything and I can just breathe.
I need some fresh air.

Friends Don't Let Friends Go To Hell

I recently came in contact with some friends that I haven't talked to in awhile. Friends that in the past have told me they were Christians. Now, I'm not saying that they're not, but their actions do not show that they are.
I can not understand how you could do some things if Jesus was honestly a huge part of your life. I feel God heavily in my life and because of that, I refrain from doing certain things I understand are wrong to Him. For example, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now, and while we really want to take the relationship further, we know it's completely wrong, so we haven't and aren't until we're married. I'm extremely proud that we're staying so strong in our path to stay pure until we're married. We use God as help in keeping us from doing anything we would regret. Another example, before God was a big part of me, I used to cuss. A lot. As I was building a relationship, I started cussing less and reducing my vocabulary to words like "damn" (Sorry if using that offended anyone, but I didn't want to censor anything because it wouldn't seem real to me). I even partially cussed in the beginning of our relationship, and I was desperately trying to control it. I finally have, and I did it for God. I don't feel comfortable making me friends assume it's okay to be a Christian and use that language.
I want my friends to see me and how I act and realize it's okay to act different from everyone else. I want them to know they don't have to cuss, or drink or have sex to fit in or find love.
Life is great and I don't do any of that. I live off God's love and the energy I get from that. I'm extremely happy for what He's giving me and what I've yet to accomplish for Him.
I really hope they read this and look for a deeper relationship with Him, that doesn't consist of their previous past. I'm not judging them at all, I just want them to know I'm here if they want to talk and so is He.

Is This What I'm Supposed To Be Doing?

Many people have complimented me on my writing here and some have said this could possibly be a good career idea.
While I think it would be very fun to do this for a living, I'm not entirely sure how I would. I guess I could send my writings into a Christian magazine or online journals of some sort. But I don't really think any of my stuff is that good. It could be because it's me writing it and I'm my own worst critic.

I'm really not certain what God has planned for me. I'm excited for it, whatever it may be.



I want to thank everyone who let me know they read this and like it.

Charles
Joanna
Karen
Kristen
Lisa
Mitch
Ron
Saralynn
Steve
Susan


Thank you! Your comments about this are what make me want to keep writing and I really appreciate it.

You Know You Want To

It's very entertaining and interesting to me that the devil will use everything he can to keep you from God. We all know it when it comes. It's that feeling of, "I know I want to, but I can't. Well if I do, I'll feel better. No one will know. I can get away with it. Honestly, God knows I can't stop. He'll forgive me."
And, yes, He will forgive you. But don't take advantage of that. He knows what you're thinking. If you think, "I'll just do it this once and then ask for forgiveness. Promise never to do it again." Are you really sorry? Do you think you deserve to be forgiven?
God doesn't want anyone to sin, but, obviously, we do. In my own opinion, if you say "I'm sorry." Do it again. "I'm sorry." Do it again. I don't think you deserve to be forgiven. Because to me, you aren't really sorry, if you were sorry, you'd stop entirely. That's just my opinion.

Temptations happen to everyone, in many different way. The devil attacks your weakest areas, at your weakest moments.

When I think of doing something I know I shouldn't, here's how I talk myself out of it:
He was beaten for me.
He was spat on for me.
He wore a crown of thorns for me.
And
HE DIED FOR ME.
If I do this, it's like doing all of that all over. I don't want to do that to Him again. He doesn't deserve it. He didn't deserve it the first time.
I want to live for Him, strive to get close to Him. To do anything other than that is wrong to me.
Just know, you're not the only one fighting for Him. You can win. Just ask Him for the strength and I promise He will provide it.

Good luck.

I Judge You, You Judge Me, We All Judge Each Other

I've been reading a lot of things lately about judging, which is initially why I wanted to write this blog.

A major reason Christians are hated is because we judge. Quite a bit, I have to admit.
I do it.
I'm not a huge fan of Britney Spears.

The main reason is, in the nicest terms, she's a bit promiscuous. But then I thought about it, "Who am I to judge her based on her choices?" I have no right. It's the same as me judging Miley Cyrus based on hers.


No matter the person and no matter the action, no one has the right to judge anyone.

I've been watching the music video for Britney Spear's song "Every time". I really like it. If you get over the shock that she is almost naked through a part of it, then it can be very emotional and amazing. Just that one video made me see her as a person and not "a promiscuous girl that I stick my nose up to."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UQzHaOG2uI
I love the line, "Please forgive me. My weakness caused you pain, and this song's my sorry." I know it isn't, but I like to think of that line as someone speaking to Jesus about his crucifixion. I love that line and it's so powerful to me.

Another aspect of judging is based on appearance. If you saw this guy on the street, what would your first thoughts be?

Maybe he's got issues? Done some bad things? Will do more in the future? Who knows maybe it's true, but would you think he was a Christian? I know a few people who would assume that because he looks the way he does, that there's no way he is. Christians don't have tattoos or piercings, right?
Well, some may be surprised to know that he's the singer/song writer for a well-known Christian band and wrote powerful lyrics such as these:
"As You did warn me, Carpenter, this world has weakened my heart"
"Where do You find the love to offer he who betrays You? And offer to wash my feet as I offer to disobey You."
"I cannot be forgiven; my wages will be paid, for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved."
"Jesus, my heart is all I have to give to You, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do."
"By me You were abandoned, by me You were betrayed, yet in Your arms and in Your heart forever I have stayed."
and
"Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend, for You have loved me forever, and Your love will never end."
I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW AMAZING ALL THOSE LYRICS ARE.
They all come from this beautiful and wonderfully written song called "Matthias Replaces Judas"


So as you can tell I did a lot of internet surfing to write this. I found it quite fun and can't wait to write my next post. Also, anyone can comment on my posts. You don't have to have a blogspot account. So if you have any thoughts about my thoughts, then please let me know. I would love to hear your point of view whether you agree with me or not.

Daisy

For those of you who don't already know, I got a puppy yesterday.


Answers To Your Questions
Pembroke Welsh Corgi/mix
Yesterday
2 months old
The SPCA


I need to take her to the vet soon just to get her checked out and make sure everything is okay.
Today was my only day off this week, so I used it to buy her things she needed.


I also spent time putting chicken wire around my balcony, so she wouldn't get through the bars and fall.


Then we went to eat. Long day. We got hungry.


I'm not sure if she likes any of the things I bought her, but I really hope so.

IT Came Through

Here's a fun little story:

I was at work the other day and they put me on window in drive-thru. I love window. The people are fun and interesting. Around 8:30 that night a surprise came through. It was two clowns. I had never, in the history of working drive-thru, seen that before. Everyone was laughing and thought it was so cool. The clowns were making jokes and being funny. I'm sure I probably would have thought that was cool, but there was one problem...
Did I mention I'm deathly afraid of clowns?

You poor thing...

I have an app on my phone that allows people to write something awful that just happened to them. Some are funny, some are not. I just thought I'd share a few with you.


1. Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text message plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired.

2. Today, for Easter my brother and sister both got $200 gifts from my parents. I got a chocolate egg. I'm allergic to chocolate.

3. Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean, a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money.

4. Today, I went to the doctor for a check-up before my Carribean vacation. He informed me I'm overweight for my height and should "eat better, exercise, and lose the excess weight." I just returned from rehab for bulimia a month ago. My vacation was a celebration of overcoming my eating disorder.

5. Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different aisle. 5 minutes later, I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. I'm 22. I had my cell phone and I drove there.

6. Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the test and wrote "OMG."

7. Today, t was Easter and I thought it would be fun to look for Easter eggs with my little brother. My parents told me to take the ones in the higher places that my brother couldn't reach. All of his eggs were filled with candy or money. Each one of mine had a note that said "maybe when you lose weight."

8. Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment, I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother.




....so awful.

I saw this today.



I pray she does, too.
She's precious, I hate to think that the world could break her spirit.

My Conversation with God

I was talking with God today, this is how that conversation went:

I said-
I'm sorry that we steal, when we should be giving to those who lack.
I'm sorry that we speak lies, when we should be listening to Your truths.
I'm sorry that we judge, when we should be accepting of others.
I'm sorry that we hate, when we really should be loving.
I'm sorry that we destroy, when we should be building.
I'm sorry that we kill Your creations, when we should be creating life.
I'm sorry that we hurt others, when we should be healing those who hurt.
I'm sorry that we curse, when we should be singing of Your Grace.
I'm sorry that we push You out, when we should be bringing You in.
I'm sorry that we don't appreciate Your work, when we should be marveling at it's amazement.
I'm sorry that we get angry, when we should be happy.
I'm sorry that we are lazy, when we should be actively working for You.
I'm sorry that we starve for a "perfect body", when we should be happy we even have food.
I'm sorry that we lock those up, who should be set free.
I'm sorry that we pollute, when we should treasure Your land.
I'm sorry that we cheat from others, when we should be helping those in need.
I'm sorry that we take, when we should be sharing.
I'm sorry that we ignore You, when we should be listening.
I'm sorry that we are speechless, when Your word should be spoken through us.
I'm sorry that we use for bad what was meant for good.
I'm sorry that we sin, when we should be living for You.

And God said-
I FORGIVE YOU





1 John 1:9
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Taking a long, hard look at Me

I thought long and hard about why I wanted a puppy and I realized why.

My entire life has been spent trying to get someone's attention and usually I never felt like I got it. I remember having a dog at various times for most of my life. They were always there to play with and they always had their attention set on who was playing with them at that time.
My need to take care of someone and have their full attention is unfortunately still there, and still not always satisfied. I think that in my head I feel that if I get a dog then I can have both. I can have someone that needs me and wants me to always be with them too. I think I feel that I won't be alone. I don't like being alone.
These feelings have recently resurfaced because my boyfriend's curfew is midnight. He leaves me at 11:30pm every day. I hate that. I cried today after he left. I don't want that. I want someone here.
I guess maybe I have abandonment issues...I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. But there is definitely something wrong.

I still really want a dog.

Puppy Love

Today I went to the mall with my boyfriend. They just opened up a pet store and I desperately want to go in. BIG mistake. Now I want a puppy BAD.
I saw the cutest dog. It was a mix between a Pomeranian and a Shih-Tzu. I tried many times to calculate in my head how much it would be and then tried to convince myself that I have enough. If I hadn't spent a lot of money and still had quite a bit, yeah, I could afford it. I could probably still afford it, if I spend the rest. But I keep trying to tell myself no.
It's getting hard though. That puppy was so cute and I'm still very tempted to go back and buy it.

...I pray that I don't.

Dear Cody,

We haven't always been as close as I would like and I don't know why. I know you're busy and don't have much time, but I'm only a phone call away. I sometimes call to check in, but you never answer. I just assume you're napping with Cambria or out doing something fun.
You're an amazing dad and I can tell Cambria adores you. It's so cute to see you two together, I just wish I could see you more.

I was thinking maybe you were mad at me, but couldn't find a reason why. I'm not aware that I've done anything and if I have, let me know so I can fix it.
I just want to know how you're doing and what new words Cambria is saying. Did you get your motorcycle license? And how's Alicia?
I feel like we almost never talk and I'd like that to change. You're my brother and I love you very much.

I hope you read this.

I'm fine, really.

I found out that a lot of people had been worried about me and I want to let you all know how I'm doing now, because I know of quite a few people that read this that were on The Worried List,
I realize that in the first month after my mom's death, I didn't really communicate past, "I'm good", "I'm fine" or "I'm okay".
I'm not very good at discussing my feelings and I'm much worse at discussing why I'm feeling that way.
My mom was like my best friend, someone I could talk to, who was always there. And then she was gone. I just couldn't believe it and didn't want to talk to anyone about it, because maybe I thought it was like finding a replacement listener or something.
I realize no one is going to replace my mom and I don't want them to. But at that time everything was confusing and happening so fast. One week she was going to be okay and the next week they said she wouldn't make it past the weekend.
It was all a lot to comprehend and I just wanted to make it all go away. No one close to me has ever died except her and I just didn't know how to handle it. I'm sure it seemed that I shut down and zoned out a lot around me. It was only a few months ago, but I really don't remember most of what I did after she died. It's like I blocked it out or something.
I promise I'm fine now.
I'm living on my own. I have a job that I love. I have a car, a license, and insurance that I can actually afford!
I didn't blame God for what happened. She was closer to Him near the end then I think she ever was. Which for me, is what brought me closer to Him after she died.

I'm really pleased with myself for the most part. I'm able to afford a cell phone, cable, and insurance. I may need another job soon though, so if you know of something PLEASE let me know. I'm looking for a full-time office job where I could possibly file or be an assistant.
I buy groceries, and for the most part I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (By "For the most part" I mean that I don't usually eat breakfast.)
I see my friends as often as I can and love every minute I have with them.
I still have a boyfriend and tomorrow will be 4 months. We're also doing fine. I hate when he leaves at night, but I know soon he won't have to anymore and we can stay together. I don't mean that we're moving in together, just that within the next year or two hopefully we can get married. (Don't freak out, no plans, just hopes.)

I'm trying to read the Bible everyday and so far it has gone good. Possibly missing a few days, but I'm on Joshua 2 right now. There are times when I just can't put it down and I love that.

I have lately been struggling with a few bills, but a friend helped me out and I owe her big for that. Hopefully next paycheck will be big enough to last until my next, and so on and so forth.


So to sum up the whole post: I'm doing great!

Disrespectful much?

I watched a YouTube video of someone calling today Happy Zombie Jesus Day. She then proceeded to say, "I don't mean to offend anyone."
Then maybe don't say it, that's really the best way to not offend someone.

I love the USA, but sometimes people use the power of speaking freely by speaking obnoxiously and idiotically.

Sorry for the tiny rant. I felt that comment and video was entirely unnecessary.

He is...

He is one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I love seeing him walk through the door and I hate when he leaves.
He is amazing.
He was made for me by God.
He is perfect for me.
He is just as in love with God as I am.
He always says things that make my heart melt.
He's never made me mad or hurt me.
He is respectful.
He is thoughtful.
He is romantic.
He is funny.
He is smart.
He is what I've always wanted.

I am so in love with him.



I've prayed for him so many times before I even met him. I don't deserve him, but God blessed me anyway.

Punch Drunk What? // Who Doesn't Love Driving for 30 Minutes Looking for a Parking Spot?

I got Punch Drunk Love from Netflix. I just finished watching it. After hearing that I know you want to ask me some questions and I'm definitely going to answer them.

Did I like it? No
Was it funny? No
Would you see it again? No
Do you recommend it? No

I didn't understand it. Okay, I understood it, but I didn't get the point or why people liked it. It wasn't good. At all. I wasted a Netflix opportunity and that makes me upset. I also got Snow Angels, I really hope that one is amazing or I'll be twice as upset.
----------------------------------

I got home at 11:12pm. I got in my apartment at 11:34pm.
If you did the math you'd notice that it took me 22 minutes to get to my apartment. Why, you ask? Well, there's a guy having a party in the next building. How many people are there? Well, I don't have an exact number, but so many that I drove around the entire complex looking for a parking spot for 20 minutes. Am I mad? Very much so. On my 5th or so time around the whole place, the guy asked me if one of his guests took my parking spot, I said yes, he said sorry.
Why ask me if you're not going to do something about it?

Sorry if I sound not like my usual self. Today was not a good day. Two times while coming into the apartment complex, I entered the code and had 2 people pull in front of me to get through the gates first. I'm sorry, but if I enter the gate code I should get in first, not you. People here are sooo rude.

I'm also very worried. I've had two occasions where my front door was unlocked, by someone other than me. The other day I went to work and my front door was open. I don't recall opening it, so that freaked me out. And just now I went to turn off the light by my front door and the top lock was locked, but the bottom one was unlocked.
Either I'm crazy, or I'm in danger. I'm really hoping for the first one, that one doesn't scare me as much.

Updates

I got paid today. That was nice. Now I have money for bills.

I'm pretty excited about Easter, I'm having dinner with my dad, aunt, brother and niece. I don't see or talk to my brother as much as I would like, so I'm glad he's going. It should be fun.

I dropped my phone today. Now it has this lovely, very pretty crack across the screen. If I were to want to replace or fix the delightful crack, it would cost an insane amount of $230. So I think I'll just admire it until I have that kind of money.

I have a cold. I also have a job. At a food place. Yes, the customers love me right now.

My boyfriend and I have almost been together 4 months. I know it's not a long time, but we've lasted longer than some marriages. High five!

My turtle just turned seven. I'm pretty much excited that he's still alive. I'm awful with animals. I don't buy them anymore because I feel like it pretty much the road to their death. But he's stuck it out seven years and he's still doing fine. A turtle is an ideal pet. I recommend them.

I am now running out of updates.

PS. God is still amazing.

For Him, Because of Her // Continually Amazed

I'm often inspired to write about God and I love that. I don't do it thinking about who's reading it. I do it just because it needs to be said.
I've gotten many compliments on most things that I write on here, but never really thought it was very good. I guess when my heart is really into it then it comes out much better if I just wrote for no reason.

Usually the words come flying out with no problem, almost like something natural. I can't really explain it.
I'm glad my faith grew, because writing about God is the most natural thing I've done. I know my mom's death helped me connect closer with Him. I remember being so amazed that she could go through all that and still hold strong to God, not that I expected her to hate Him or blame Him, but she could have.
I know seeing her be so strong helped me cope with what was happening to her. If she didn't panic, neither should I.

I'm thankful God got a hold of me and didn't let go. I'm also thankful the devil let go. I expect he'll try again soon, but once again God will be on my side and you can't beat that army.

-------------------------------------

I watched The Passion of the Christ for the third time the other night. It's amazing the difference I saw in my views of the movie once I was saved. The first time I saw it I knew what it was about, but it didn't really hit me. This time it smashed me in the face.
I was fine through most of the movie. I made it through everything up until the crucifixion. Right when I saw them nailing Him to the cross I started crying. I cried through the rest of the movie and most of the credits. It hit me hard and fast. Everything he went through was for me.
ME?!?! ME? I'm nobody. How could you love someone so much to be beaten, spat on, cursed at, hated, DIE for, that committed sins you had nothing to do with. He died because of my sins? Sins I knew were wrong. Sins that most of the time I know I shouldn't do, He tells me, I just don't listen. That...that is love.

I'm pretty sure no one would do that to save everyone. He did, and I can't write enough blogs about how amazing I find that. But I will keep writing any deep or meaningful thought He provokes in me. Because...maybe I'm supposed to? I don't know, but for now I love it.

Me, a Good Example?

I found out today that my youth pastor reads my blog. Something about that is so cool to me. I really never thought about anyone reading it. I mean, I know of 3 people who do, but I never thought anyone outside that ever did. It's really neat to know someone else does and actually likes it. So thanks to him for letting me know he thinks it's good. That means a lot.

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my "For Me" blog about getting saved, but I got saved with my best friend. Today I got off early enough to go to church and we sat next to each other. We ended up having a written conversation, it goes like so:

Me: Brother Mitch apparently reads my blog and likes it! He complimented me on it today.

Her: What does your blog say?

Me: It's about different things. Lately it's been about God and my thoughts on Him

Her: Tell me about it.

Me: My last post was how imperfect we are, how perfect He is and how I can't believe after all that we've done He still loves us.

Her: That's awesome...amazing is more like it.

Me: I just post when I have powerful thoughts about Him. I never expected anyone to really like it.

Her: I've still been having tuggings at my heart. I asked people to forgive me for my past, but I want to be saved tonight. This will be the LAST time I walk down the aisle. I want TONIGHT to be my second birthday.

Me: That's awesome! I'll be praying for you, dear. I love you!

Her: I love you, too!! It just needs to be settled.

Me: Yeah, after I got saved that Sunday, I really felt the devil trying to pull me away, but I got through it.

Her: What was he doing to try to pull you away?

Me: Like friends wanting me to go with them to do things that aren't right. But I just said no and passed the temptations. I haven't felt anything but God since.

Her: Wow, I want that...awesome. You're a good example.

Me: I just want to stick with God. He's all I want. Plus I think "If I think giving into the temptation is okay or will feel good, then think how awesome it will be if I don't and go to Heaven?" Heaven is far more amazing then doing something we know we shouldn't. My goal is Heaven.

Her: I'm still getting there. First, I need to get saved. Make it real. Then I can fight Satan and move forward.

Me: Fighting him will seem hard, but it's the easiest thing I've done. He can't get you if you have God, and he knows it. That's why he'll use everything possible against you.

Her: Amen, girl...preach to me! You have changed, and it's amazing to see.

Me: I'm glad I have. I like the new me.

Her: I do too.
__________________________

It's funny, only a month ago, I was looking up to her as a Christian. To have it reversed seems strange. I'm not entirely sure why she thinks I'm a good example, but I'm sure if she reads this she'll feel the same about me looking up to her. She's an amazing person and I know with time and prayer, she'll get through this. Confusion is just part of it all. But God will help you through it. Trust me.

I realize that I just critized something He created.
In my opinion, if it came from Him (which everything did) then it's beautiful.
My point of the previous post was to show that no one is perfect. We are all flawed in many ways and none of us honestly deserve what God has given us. My point was to show that no matter what we do, He will still forgive us.
How amazing is that?
I couldn't do that.
If you stole my lunch money, yeah I'd forgive you. But if you killed my child, no. I wouldn't. That may sound bad, but I don't see how I could.
That's exactly what happened and yet He loves us unconditionally.
That will always blow my mind.
He is amazing.
I'm forever grateful.

I'm flawed.
I'm always late.
I never know the right thing to say.
If I'm not holding my keys then I've lost them.
I'm not beautiful.
I fall sometimes.
I can't seem to get my make up "just right".
My clothes don't always match.
I'm not the best speller.
I have an awful memory.
My thoughts aren't always the best.
I don't always make the right decisions.
I'm awful with money.
The music I listen to isn't always appropriate.
I bite my nails.
I'm not fit.
My car isn't cool.
I don't get paid a lot.
I don't always listen.
I tend to judge.
I'm stubborn.
I can hold grudges.
I sneeze a lot.
I get random and oddly placed hiccups.
I get migraines.
I'm short.
Some of my organs aren't in "tip-top" shape.
I don't exercise.
I'm not in school.
I watch too much tv.
I play too many games.
I waste time doing nothing worthwhile or productive.
I'm loud.
I don't read.
I don't pay attention
and I hear what I want to hear.
I'm flawed.

You're perfect.



I'm flawed.
You're perfect.
But somehow You love me anyway.
I'll never understand why, but I'll always appreciate it.
You're amazing and way more than I deserve.

I Miss You and I Always Will

I realize now that the sadness won't go away, but I have come to terms with the fact that you're gone. I still regret all the things I did to you near the end and more importantly the things I didn't do. I will always keep you in my thoughts and you won't be forgotten. I miss you, Mom and I love you just as much now as I did before.

Mi Amor

Lately I've been wanting to tell "that special someone" exactly what he means to me and while it would mean so much more face-to-face, I'm not sure I'd be able to find all the words. So it's going public, that way EVERYONE will know, too.

I've thought many times that what I had with other guys was love. It never was. Maybe infatuation, lust, and ignorance, but never, not once love.
My need for acceptance was what always got my feelings confused. I'd think "He calls me beautiful, he must love me. This must be it." But to assume that the first guy (or even second and third) to say that is THE ONE is wrong and misleading to everyone. I do believe you can find love young, but the chances aren't good. It's rare that anyone ends up with their childhood friend or high school sweetheart. It happens, but not a lot.
I have only dated 2 people besides Charles. The two "relationships" together lasted about 2 months. The one I'm in now just passed 3. I'm not bragging. I know it's not a lot, but I know there are many more months to come and I'm very excited about that.

The start of US is quite interesting.
We met at work on my second day -09/12/08-, (somewhere around his second or third week), and I can't say it was love at first sight, because you never know what they're really like until they open their mouth, but I definitely had an attraction to him. He was very smart, very funny, very cute and very single :)

We talked for awhile when we were scheduled together and created a nice friendship, but something in me wanted more. So after talking to some friends I mustered up the courage to ask for his number. Which is still the most difficult and embarassing thing I've done to date. Don't ask why.
I called that night and had the most horrific conversation ever. Not because of him, but because I was nervous and so afraid that he wasn't interested in a word I was saying or possibly because I thought I was talking too much. I'm sure I was.
After that I ended up calling him once or twice in a spans of maybe a month.

Then he got texting.
:-D

We texted a lot. After a while it became an everyday thing. Kind of routine.
Wake up
Text
Shower
Text
School
Text
Lunch
Text
Ect. Ect. Ect.

After maybe a month of that (we're in about early November of '08) I decided it was time to tell him how I truely felt. So I did. I can't remember exactly what I said but it was somewhere along the lines of "I really like you and hope you feel the same. If not we can still be friends. Yadda, yadda, yadda." and his reply didn't surprise me. He wanted to stay friends. And that was fine with me. He was (is) a great person. And his friendship would be awesome.
He continued texting me every morning and all day until we fell asleep that night. That greatly confused me and was sending me many mixed singles. "Why text all day if he doesn't like me?" I brushed it off, even though two of my friends were convinced we would still end up together. I ignored it and thought "Wishful thinking."

Confusion lasted until early December when one night we had a very seriously discussion about his denial. He did like me! To this day I love that conversation and really wish I still had it. We started dating on 12/14/08 at around one in the morning. I wouldn't take back any of it.

He is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I look at him and can't believe how God thought I was good enough for someone like him. I'm head over heels for him and can't imagine my life without him. I love him dearly and truely and I can not wait to marry him. I want to be close to him all the time because he's everythig I've ever wanted and I don't want to be without that for anything. I'll be with him forever on earth and in heaven and that makes me smile.
I love you, baby!

For me

I got saved on Sunday. By this I mean, what I'm sure you think I mean. I let the Lord take control. Sunday was my birthday. I got saved on my birthday. Very cool!
I announced it to everyone at my church. This little detail was why I hadn't done it yet. I don't like standing in front of people and being the center of attention, so I just didn't do it. I let people I don't know control my decision because it was out of my comfort zone. Way out.
But then it hit me; why? Why am I risking hell because I don't want to stand up in front of fellow believers and announce to them that I put all my trust in Him? Do I actually think they'll judge me? And even if they do, so what? Why spend an eternity in hell over opinions that don't matter and aren't right? I won't. So I did it. I told the pastor I wanted to announce it and I did.
I just want everyone to know that all I want is Jesus. More than air, food, or anything really. I'm not sure how it took me this long to realize He was all I was missing. But I have Him now and want to continue building a stronger relationship.

It almost didn't happen.
I told my boyfriend during the sermon and he was unaware all through our relationship that I wasn't saved. Not his fault. I didn't think to mention it and he didn't think to ask. Bad for both parties involved. He said if he had known he wouldn't have even started the relationship. Instant waterworks. I am head over heels in love with that man and that made me instantly start crying. I had to step out of the sanctuary and into the bathroom. You see, the problem here was that I misunderstood what he meant.

My meaning: He thinks now that the whole decision to start the relationship was a huge mistake and now we have to break up because I wasn't already saved.
Actual meaning: He still would have started a relationship with me, just not until I was saved.

He had to take me to the car to tell me this because the church hall was not a good place, what with my crying and all.
Everything is fine now. I have God, God has me and I still have an amazing boyfriend.

I wouldn't change how it all went for anything. The misunderstanding strengthened our relationship and I'm pretty happy now that I did over-react or else I wouldn't know certain things about him.

I'm writing this, one: because I want everyone to know how great God is. If you don't know Him, FIND Him. Do what I did. It's hands down the best choice I ever made. And two: to tell Charles how much I love him.
Babe, you'll honestly never know how much I love you and what you mean to me. I don't want to lose you. Thank you for sticking with me. It means so much to know I have someone as awesome and supportive as you by my side. I love you forever and always.

Show Me the Money!

Haha! So I titled this as, I'm sure, one of the most over used quotes. But it fits.

I recently moved in on my own. It's great and I love it, but with it comes responsibitlity..I'm not good with responsibility, if I could get a roommate, I would. The bills are few and semi- far between, but they're still here and bringing me down.
I would be completely fine if it wasn't for my car and laptop.
I had to get my car fixed: $467.26
Then I had to be viruses off my laptop: $259.49
That equals to: $926.75.

Crap...

I Need You

I've been feeling myself drawing farther and farther from You, despite my want to get closer. I know it's me. It's always me. I don't talk to You everyday and most of the time I don't notice You're there.
I feel bad, considering all that you've done. I don't deserve it. Even then though, You continue to love me and answer my prayers. I honestly can't imagine how You could love me so much when I don't do as You ask or want. I know I should do right and according to You, but it never turns out that way.
My point is, thank You for loving me, everyone, even though we do so much against You. Thank You, I don't deserve anything You do for me.

My goal is to read Your word and understand it. I will pray daily and talk to You. I will thank You for every day I have on Your earth and I will love You above all else.

I Love You, But I Hate You

I had an interesting day yesterday. I worked from 11am to 4pm which wasn't bad, except that 5 hours isn't a lot when you're scheduled 3 times a week and it's time for the check to come.
After work a friend and I decided to shop for clothes at the local mall. It went well I spent about $50 and got plenty of outfits. While I was there, however, I was in the fitting room trying on pants. I had to take my phone and keys out of my pocket since I didn't want to damage them, if by some chance they fell out and onto the floor while laying them down.
Somewhere along the way, my phone had a brain malfunction and stopped working.
By "stopped working" I mean, the screen went black. I could hear the sounds
when I received a call, email, voicemail, or text message, but I had no way of viewing any of them. I thought (more so, hoping) that my battery had died, even though I knew I had a full battery. My boyfriend has the same phone as I do, so I had the genius idea of bothering him at work about it. Unfortunately he had no idea what to do.
We both agreed that leaving it on the charger overnight may fix the problem, even though we didn't know what the problem was.
That, unfortunately, did not fix the problem. I woke up this morning to the same problem. Very frustrated and very impatient to fix it, I went online trying to fund a solution, which was never found.
There is, to my delght, an Apple store near my apartment that I was planning in going to. But my sense of direction is awful, I know how to get there....but getting out is hard.
I decided I'd visit my brother for directions while picking up some mail that is still delivered there. Two birds, one stone.
I got there and he looked over my phone to see if he could figured it out. And he did. He fixed my phone!! I have a phone again!! So I'm very happy now, but I feel very stupid because all he did was hold down some buttons and it restarted. So I get my phone back, but I feel like an idiot. A win/lose situation.

I love this phone, but it often defeats my patience and knowledge.
I love it, but I hate it.

It's All Me

I've decided to do what ever it is I want to do with this blog. If I want to rate movies, if I want to talk about my life. What ever.

Today I will just be about me.
I got a virus on my computer that Avast is searching for now so I'm having to use my phone to post this. I could use my desktop, except that for some reason the monitor is not working. It turns on, but the light blinks like its not connected or something. Which it is, so I'm confused. I'll have to take it to Best Buy, maybe they can fix it.
I got a call from my aunt this morning saying I owe $268 on my car insurance. That was fun to know. I really have to look for a second job. I was thinking of buying a camera and making videos on Youtube, but decided no because it would be a huge waste of money since I'm not clever enough to think of something funny and I wouldn't want to edit the vids.

Enough typing for now.

Blogging ideas?

So I pretty much started this with no insight into what I actually wanted to do with it. I thought, and this was my intended purpose, about just reviewing movies. I mean, I signed up for Netflix and I have thus far received approximately 10 movies from them, and I have had many opinions on all of them. But I wasn't completely sure if anyone would read it or if anyone would want to read it. Then I thought I could just write about my life, but seriously, it's not that interesting and I'd have more luck with the movie reviews.

I'm still not really sure what I want to do. I have so many blogs, it's ridiculous. I have a livejournal, which is very useless because so far I've just reposted things I've posted on other blogs. Then I have plenty of xangas that I currently use and others I have forgotten about, but I'm pretty sure are still up. The point of this post is that I want some opinions of what to do. I mean if you're reading this I'm sure you got it from my facebook and you'll probably never read this blog again, but I'd still like you're opinion. I really don't want to waste my time on something no one is going to read.