Numbness

Lately I've been thinking about my parents and how I feel about them passing away.
I could never explain how it feels, although my brother and I found a word that best describes it: numbness. To this day, almost two years after the fact, I'm not quite accepting of them being gone. Everyday I think of them. I want to call them and tell them something funny, or I think "Wow, I haven't talked to Mom in awhile, I wonder how she's doing." Then I remember. It's a weird feeling. When I think of their death, I don't get sad. I get a weird feeling like it's not real and it's just a dream. Like this weird numb feeling, like I'll be awake soon and start to feel something real again.
I almost expect to see them walk around the corner or call me sometimes just to see how I'm doing. I have dreams that they came back, they were just taking a break from the chaos, but they missed us and decided to come back. I have dreams that I'm frantically searching for them, sometimes I find them, but I wake up with an aching feeling. Realizing it wasn't real and I'm back to my dream version of reality.
I live a normal life day to day, but quite often get the weird feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just living to block out the numbness. I often get an odd feeling that I'm faking every human emotion so I don't have to deal with it, even though I know I'm not. When I'm happy, I'm truely happy, but my emotions are scattered and I usually can't control them.
I know if I didn't have Charles, I'd be a wreck. I took my mom's death the hardest. Possibly because I regret more things with my mom. I never in my entire life had a fight with my dad or once got mad at him. With Mom it was a daily thing. I regret so many things and just want a few more minutes with her to correct them. I know Charles is helping me in more way then he knows. If I didn't have him I never would have applied at a school. I probably wouldn't have held a job for too long either. I know emotionally I'd be a wreck and I'd never talk to anyone about it. I'd lock things up inside and have minor freaks out from not getting anything out, I know this because it's the one thing I regret with my mom. I never told her how I felt or had deep conversations with her.

The one huge thing I regret, the one thing I would say to her is why I was mad. One day, I got mad at someone. It made me so upset that I was crying all day about it. At this point she was okay, but she was bedridden. She asked me if I was okay and I said yes, like always. She asked if it was because of a guy and I said no. Even with her asking me, I was crying and I wouldn't talk to her. I never talked to her. If I had it to do over again, I would have told her, because I never did before and now I can't. She always begged me to just talk to her and she'd try to fix it and I'd never let her in. I regret that most.

People ask me, still, if they can do anything for me, and I finally came up with something each and every one of you can do for me.
Please don't neglect your parents. They may be young and healthy right now, but you never know what can happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Tell them you love them every minute of everyday. Call them randomly and just talk to them. If they mess up, don't freak out and get mad, everything they do is to help you. Trust me, you'll regret every single negative moment you had with them when they're gone and that's something you'll always live with. No matter how small the incident, you'll hold onto it and regret it. Help them around the house, if they haven't washed the dishes, do it. Show them in even the smallest ways that you love them. Create moments that you'll be proud of when they're gone. Moments you can look on and smile at. Listen to them, they're wiser than you are and they've been there before.
Just appreciate what you have, while you have it. You never know when God plans to take them from this life. I just don't want anymore numbness in the world.

Do All to the Glory of God

Recently, Charles and I deleted our secular music off our iPods. Charles deleted everything and not one song is from a secular band anymore. Now, I deleted 400 songs worth of secular music, but I left songs I couldn't let go of.
Here's why: I don't feel that God is going to be disappointed or saddened by me keeping a song that may not be from a Christian artist, but still reminds me of Him. I've read up on it a bit, in 1 Corinthians it says, "Do all to the glory of God". If I'm singing a song that reminds me of Him, then I'm singing to or for Him. How could that be bad?

My point is, we're supposed to do things for Christ. So if we see God in things that aren't bad, but aren't obviously praising Him, yet in our hearts it's praise, can it be bad?

I heard a song that I absolutely adore, by Michael Buble. It's called Haven't Met You Yet. Charles wasn't really thrilled with the idea of me wanting it since it's not by a Christian artist and I understand that. The song (to me) is about waiting patiently for the person God has created for you. Now the song doesn't mention God, but even Christian artist don't mention Him in everything. I like the song and I want to buy it.


I guess what I'm getting at here is:
Am I wrong for wanting to listen to music that isn't out in out praising Him, but I feel like I'm glorifying Him by singing a song I feel is for Him? I just want a few opinions from people who know the Bible better than me. In my head, I don't feel it's wrong. The songs I've kept or want do not disgrace Him or put Him down. While listening to some, I even think they're about Him. I don't see how that's wrong. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?

Updates

Every now and then, I like to fill people in on what's going on in my life. This is one of those blogs.
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WORK

Work is good. I'm really enjoying it. I like everything involved in it and the people are great. I've been noticing that the days go by so fast and before I know it, I'm going home. I've cut my fingers a few times and even sandpapered part of my nail off, but other than that, it's great. I'm also still at Watermark and I like that as well, too. It gets pretty tiring, having to go from one job to the next and get home at about 9 some nights, but the money is good. I'm not at Chick-fil-A anymore, so if you're wondering why you haven't seen me, that's why.


APARTMENT

I had a friend over a few weeks ago and she forced me to clean. So my apartment looks fabulous again and I'm planning to keep it this way. The cats are good. Sometimes I want to kill them, but today they're okay. Max freaked out on my the other day, I guess she thought I was going to step on her as I was stepping over her and she got up to run, causing me to trip over her and stand on her stomach for a good two to three seconds before I was able to get my balance back. She howled really loud and I screamed at her for being so stupid. I felt bad after, but I was so mad when it happened. She's okay, no damage, except maybe to her ego.


CHURCH

I have been going to Charles' church lately and will probably continue to go there. I like it a lot and want to continue going. When we get married, we need to find a church we both like and his might be that church. It just so happens to be the same church my mom went to when she was little. Very cool.


OTHER THINGS

I finally got a dryer, after having mine broken for almost a year. I've never been so happy to have clothes to dry.

I'm tired, so I'm out. Good night!

I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face is before me
Surrounded by Your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of You be still?
Will I stand in Your presence
or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing halleluiah?
Will I be able to speak at all?


I'm eager to know what it'll be like to see Him.

I want to fall to my knees. I want to be so amazed that I can't even move.
I want to talk to Him and ask Him questions. I want to be in such awe that I can't speak.
I want to be grateful to be closer to Him. I want to be ashamed for being so unworthy.
I want to sing for Him. I want to dance for the Lord.
I want to cry in amazement and smile in joy.

I don't know what I'll do. But above all, I'll be forgiven and accepted.

55 Things You Probably Didn't Know

I'm just posting this for fun. You might even learning a little more about me.

1. My favorite color is pink. I like light pink and hot pink, but not so much anything in between. I like when hot pink is mixed with black or yellow and I like when light pink is mixed with brown.

2. I have a weird obsession with Converse. If I see a movie that has a bad guy, I'll obviously dislike him, but if I notice he has Converse on I find him to be okay in my book. Hey, I told you it was a weird obsession. I find Converse to be sexy. Idk why.

3. I love mixed tapes. I think one of the cutest things a guy can do for a girl is make her a mixed tape.

4. I like homemade cards. I don't want a card that says something someone else thought up. I want a piece of paper, folded in half with a picture you drew and your own words inside. It means more to me than an $.80 card that Hallmark made.

5. I love cooking, although, I rarely take the time to do it. I like being in the kitchen, making something delicious, while I listen to music and dance horribly.

6. I listen to a large variety of music. I like songs from The Rocket Summer, Taylor Swift, Jason Derülo, Journey, Jimmy Eat World, Frédéric Chopin, Underoath, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster, Flobots, Beyonce, Ludwig van Beethoven, and Katy Perry. I listen to Classical, Oldies, Country, R&B, Rock, Pop, and Indie.

7. My favorite tv show is Dexter. Something about a serial killer that kills serial killers is just so awesome to me. I like his dark humor and sarcasm, it just slays me, no pun intended. :)

8. I like helping people. Although sometimes I help the wrong people and they take advantage. But I feel compelled to help someone in need and I can't seem to control it.

9. I sleep with a thick blanket and two fans on. I could probably just as easily have no blanket and one fan on, but I'm attached to the blanket and don't like sleeping without it.

10. I watch movies with subtitles. It's
makes it easy to understand what people are saying at certain times in the movie. It drives me crazy when the subtitles are worded different from the actually scripted lines.

11. I don't like flowers. I do, but not as a gift. I would prefer a single rose as opposed to a whole bouquet.

12. If I could only listen to one song for the rest of my life, it would be either "Konstantine" by Something Corporate, or "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercyme. I'd have to flip a coin.

13. I like unusual names. I have numerous names picked put for my, hopefully, future kids, and I've never heard a single person with any of the names before in my life.

14. I have a birthmark on my hip. I fell in love with it when I was little, but now it's just there. I don't like or dislike it now.

15. I want to teach American Sign Language. I think it's beautiful and have developed a love for those who speak it. Although, I do not know much right now.

16. I like crime shows. I think being a crime scene investigator would be amazing.

17. I hate white walls. They're so plain and boring. I have my color themes picked out for each room, once I have a house of my own. All colors are bright and none are the same.

18. I like brick homes. I think they're cute. I want one.

19. I once got my waterlines tattooed. It is a common thing women get so it looks like they have eyeliner on. I didn't finish because it hurt so bad. I have a faint line on both bottom waterlines, which I use as an eyeliner guideline.

20. I searched desperately for footie pajamas one Christmas. I am now the proud owner of pink/brown striped footie pajamas.

21. I have one kidney. I found out, at 14 years old, that my left kidney never developed. Thus leaving me with one. And even though I have yet to have kidney trouble, my brother promised me one of his, in case my one gives up.

22. My first car was a stick shift, which was later sold because of my inability to drive it. I told my mom not to buy me a stick shift because I couldn't drive one. She got one and realized later after hours of practice, I was not kidding.

23. I found out, while in Hawaii, that Starfish are living creatures. I thought they were like shells, only....well, star-shaped. I found one on the beach and picked it up. It started moving and I screamed and threw it in the ocean.

24. My favorite picture ever is the last picture I ever took of me and my mom together. It's hanging on my fridge.

25. I want naturally red hair so bad.

26. I can whistle both ways: blowing air in or out. Although, I'm more accurate in, even though most people blow out.

27. When blowing bubbles with gum, I can blow a bubble inside a bubble inside a bubble.

28. I bite my nails when I'm nervous. If I'm extremely nervous, I have a bad habit of biting my lip.

29. I don't like blood. It creeps me out. I also don't understand why it's pronounces bl-ud, when it looks like it should be pronounced like blue-d.

30. I wrote a poem about drunk driving when I was in 5th grade. It was featured in a book. I still remember most of it.

31. I'm a shopaholic. I can't seem to walk into a store without leaving with something.

32. I like rings that turn my finger green.

33. I'm afraid of water. I don't like it touching my face, because I feel like I'm drowning.

34. When I was 10-11, I had a huge wart on my foot for 2 years. I was convinced it would never go away. Luckily, it did. And, no, two years is not an exaggeration.

35. I can turn/bend my feet in weird ways. Most people are amazed, but I don't think it's anything special.

36. I have never broken a single bone in my body. I've also never had a cavity or any dental work done other than extractions of my wisdom teeth and one baby tooth. I've never been to the hospital (for myself) or gone to the doctor for anything other than a common sickness.

37. I think my eyes are the most beautiful thing about me.

38. When I was 16, I wanted big lips. I started pouting my bottom lip to make it look bigger, now I naturally pout my bottom lip and can't stop.

39. I used to hate the color of my lips. They're so dark, I can't wear lipstick because the color isn't seen. My mom told me she prayed I'd have dark lips, since her's were pale. I love my lips now and wouldn't change them for the world.

40. I think my nose looks big in pictures, but normal size any other time. I'm not self conscious about my nose, so I don't know why I see it that way.

41. When I turn up the volume on something, the number it's on has to be an even number, or I can't concentrate. I don't know why.

42. I always thought deviled eggs were pronounced debbled eggs. I only recently found out my mistake.

43. I like dreaming. I'm usually upset when I can't remember my dreams in the morning.

44. I'm scared of growing up. Responsibility fightens me.

45. I like writing checks, that's the only reason I like when bills come.

46. I want a lip ring really bad, but needles scare me.

47. I'm claustrophobic. I can be in elevators, unless there's more than a few people. I have to focus on breathing to keep from freaking out.

48. I bought a bunch of magnetic words so I could put cool quotes on my fridge. I spent about $200 on 4-5 different packs. I have yet to use them.

49. When I'm mad at someone, I fantasize about telling them off. That's my way of cooling off.

50. When I was in preschool, I took a glow-in-the-dark Casper the Friendly Ghost toy to school for show and tell. Someone stole it. My brother later found it in a boy's backpack. I still remember his name and what he looked like.

51. I remember being mean to my best friend because no one else liked her and that made me uncool. I am still so sorry for that.

52. I knew at a young age that I'd marry someone of a different ethnicity. Even when I was younger, I was never really into white guys.

53. I'm 5' 1". Which is only 2 inches above being legally a midget.

54. I have a foot phobia.

55. I like to read. In '08, my goal was to read at least 10 books. I made it to 11.