Wow, I haven't posted since May 2011! I didn't read what I posted, but I imagine it wasn't unlike what I usually posted about. Which leads me to why I decided to start this back up.
1. I have had some people ask me to write in this again, but I didn't feel the need to do so. Until now, that is.
2. I have felt God pushing me to write on here, because someone (and I have no idea who) needs to hear what I have to say.
A couple of weeks ago, I was sick (I still am a little, but I'm getting much better.) I was put on the most amazing set of cough tablets I've ever had in my entire life. They completely mellowed me out. I do not AT ALL mean that in a high or drugged way. They just calmed me down. I didn't have a million thoughts running through my mind. I was calm, cool, and collected. They made me realize that the little things really aren't that big of a deal.
It may sound silly, but during that time, I got very close to God. He showed me how small those things were. And lately, He's been telling me, "Hey, those little things? The little things that you turn into mountains? Do you see now how small they really are?" Yes, yes, I do. That person that cut me off on the highway? He's no longer the most horrible driver in the world and I don't feel the urge to kill him. The patient who has no idea how their insurance works, but still wants to yell at me, because they shouldn't have to pay the 20% of their deductible that, legally, they are responsible for before their visit? They're no longer an idiot, they just need to, politely, be told how their insurance works. The sad fact that I had to type this post two times, because I accidentally exited out of this page and didn't save what I wrote? It's okay, I remember.
I'm much more accepting of the things I can't change. The things that won't change, no matter how much I kick and scream. Basically, I don't sweat the small stuff.
He's, also, been telling me to pray more and teaching me how to hear His voice. Today, I parked my car, got out, and headed to my apartment. I heard Him say, "You should check your car, make sure you're properly in between the lines." I thought, "But, God, I know I'm parked okay. I checked the driver's side. I'm fine." And the answer I got back was, "I'm teaching you to hear My voice and do as I ask." I immediately turned around, checked my car, and, yes, it was parked correctly. But I felt bad and realized that He's just teaching me, in my infant-like faith, to obey Him, no matter how insignificant I find His request/command to be. Because, in the end, when we are in Heaven, the things that I think are little are either, not going to matter, or they're going to be the most important things I did with my life for Him.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Giving Myself Up Completely
For those of you that may be wondering why I sent the email; I've decided that telling you guys what's going on isn't so bad. I feel like if you really know, then you'll be praying extra hard for me.
I've been feeling pretty empty lately. I haven't prayed or read the Bible in awhile and I haven't really had the desire to until recently. I'm taking sometime to spend with God. I've decided that I'm taking away everything that I put before God. TV, secular music, movies, even Charles. I've decided to go a week without those things to try to build my relationship with Him. I'm teaching myself to let my worries go and let Him take control, which is the hardest part.
I'm asking you guys to pray for me, because I feel like I've done a complete 180 and I'd like to turn back around. Prayers, or even encouragement would be very welcome. Also, if you know any books or have advice that could help me find what I'm looking for, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Thank you all for everything! It means so much to me.
I've been feeling pretty empty lately. I haven't prayed or read the Bible in awhile and I haven't really had the desire to until recently. I'm taking sometime to spend with God. I've decided that I'm taking away everything that I put before God. TV, secular music, movies, even Charles. I've decided to go a week without those things to try to build my relationship with Him. I'm teaching myself to let my worries go and let Him take control, which is the hardest part.
I'm asking you guys to pray for me, because I feel like I've done a complete 180 and I'd like to turn back around. Prayers, or even encouragement would be very welcome. Also, if you know any books or have advice that could help me find what I'm looking for, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Thank you all for everything! It means so much to me.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Forgive Me
Lyrics (Open in a new tab)
So, lately I've been noticing a few things that bring me to why I posted this video.
One, I've noticed how much music effects my mood.
A few months ago I posted a blog about buying Michael Buble's song "Haven't Met You Yet" and wanting to keep it, as I felt it was an okay song. Since then I have deleted most of my unchristian music (I say "most" because there are songs I managed to accidentally skip and keep forgetting to delete them) So out of my 358 songs; an exact number; only about 15 are secular.
I try to surround myself in music created for God, that way I don't get caught up in the worldly things with some of the lyrics you hear on a daily basic with the radio.
I do enjoy listening to secular songs from time to time, but find more and more that I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to.
I used to like "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum, but lately, I'm just noticing more and more how depressing that song is. "Your Body Is a Wonderland" by John Mayer seems a bit less romantic and just a little perverted.
I like surrounding myself in songs that fill me with the joy of God's love.
Another thing I'm noticing is how, even though I'm filled with happiness from the songs I do listen to, I'm not actually feeling God. Which makes me sad.
I know that you don't have that feeling every single second of every single day and that it can go away from time to time, but I hate that feeling. I just feel alone and I hate that. I'm just asking that you pray for me. I always get that "Oh, my goodness, He's abandoned me" feeling, although I know He'd never do that.
Anyway, this song has been my go-to song because I feel it connects with the two things I've been thinking about lately.
Since I have had a kind of dry spell, it gives me hope that He'll never leave and it's not Him, it's me. I know I need to work on a few things. I need to spend time with Him on a daily basis. I can't just sit here and feel bad for not feeling anything if I haven't called out to Him. I have to pray to Him, call out for Him and let Him know HE hasn't lost ME. This song has really lifted my spirits lately and helped me to understand that I can't expect God to do all the work while I just sit around waiting. He loves me unconditionally, yes, but He can't answer if no one is calling. I'm not someone who lacks knowledge of Christ, I know how to talk to Him and what to say. He knows that and He just wants me to reach out to Him. Well, I'm reaching out and asking for help emotionally and spiritually. I need You and I know I can't do ANY of this without You.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Updates
More updates, because a lot has been going on.
Work
I like my job a lot. It's so much fun and right now, I've been away for two days (I'm off Fri, Sat, and Sun every week) and I miss it. I only work four days a week, 8am-5pm. I'm usually not excited going in because it's early, but it grows on me during the day.
Sickness
For the past two weeks, I've had migraines on and off. I'm not sure what's been triggering them, but I wish they would go away. With the migraines comes dizziness, nausea, sometimes I actually throw up, sensitivity to light and sound, and I'm tired a lot. This has, luckily, only affected me once at work. I've been to the doctor twice for it and got pain medicine both times.
God
I had felt as though I'd lost my connection with God and was working to get it back. I had an amazing day at work when I just prayed and told Him He had control over my life. A few days later I didn't have that high feeling anymore and felt as though there was something I wasn't doing anymore to lose it. I was really confused as to what I had done and prayed about it. Later in the week Charles randomly starts a conversation about how people often assume that they're always supposed to feel Him and when they stop feeling Him they just think somethings wrong even when it's not. That really made me feel better and I've stopped doubting His presence.
Pre-Engagement book
I picked up a book at Mardels called Before You Get Engaged. It's a book that is trying to prepare you for engagement as well as help you decide whether this is the person God wants you to be with. There are things in the book about values and how your's should match your partner's. They are also sections about being at peace with your future wedding plans and if you're not, you should consider cancelling them. So far everything in the book has just further confirmed my want to marry Charles. The book has also helped me with being patient. I've learned I'm not quite ready to get married, but I am getting there quite quickly.
That's all I can think of for now. Thanks for reading!
Work
I like my job a lot. It's so much fun and right now, I've been away for two days (I'm off Fri, Sat, and Sun every week) and I miss it. I only work four days a week, 8am-5pm. I'm usually not excited going in because it's early, but it grows on me during the day.
Sickness
For the past two weeks, I've had migraines on and off. I'm not sure what's been triggering them, but I wish they would go away. With the migraines comes dizziness, nausea, sometimes I actually throw up, sensitivity to light and sound, and I'm tired a lot. This has, luckily, only affected me once at work. I've been to the doctor twice for it and got pain medicine both times.
God
I had felt as though I'd lost my connection with God and was working to get it back. I had an amazing day at work when I just prayed and told Him He had control over my life. A few days later I didn't have that high feeling anymore and felt as though there was something I wasn't doing anymore to lose it. I was really confused as to what I had done and prayed about it. Later in the week Charles randomly starts a conversation about how people often assume that they're always supposed to feel Him and when they stop feeling Him they just think somethings wrong even when it's not. That really made me feel better and I've stopped doubting His presence.
Pre-Engagement book
I picked up a book at Mardels called Before You Get Engaged. It's a book that is trying to prepare you for engagement as well as help you decide whether this is the person God wants you to be with. There are things in the book about values and how your's should match your partner's. They are also sections about being at peace with your future wedding plans and if you're not, you should consider cancelling them. So far everything in the book has just further confirmed my want to marry Charles. The book has also helped me with being patient. I've learned I'm not quite ready to get married, but I am getting there quite quickly.
That's all I can think of for now. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Numbness
Lately I've been thinking about my parents and how I feel about them passing away.
I could never explain how it feels, although my brother and I found a word that best describes it: numbness. To this day, almost two years after the fact, I'm not quite accepting of them being gone. Everyday I think of them. I want to call them and tell them something funny, or I think "Wow, I haven't talked to Mom in awhile, I wonder how she's doing." Then I remember. It's a weird feeling. When I think of their death, I don't get sad. I get a weird feeling like it's not real and it's just a dream. Like this weird numb feeling, like I'll be awake soon and start to feel something real again.
I almost expect to see them walk around the corner or call me sometimes just to see how I'm doing. I have dreams that they came back, they were just taking a break from the chaos, but they missed us and decided to come back. I have dreams that I'm frantically searching for them, sometimes I find them, but I wake up with an aching feeling. Realizing it wasn't real and I'm back to my dream version of reality.
I live a normal life day to day, but quite often get the weird feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just living to block out the numbness. I often get an odd feeling that I'm faking every human emotion so I don't have to deal with it, even though I know I'm not. When I'm happy, I'm truely happy, but my emotions are scattered and I usually can't control them.
I know if I didn't have Charles, I'd be a wreck. I took my mom's death the hardest. Possibly because I regret more things with my mom. I never in my entire life had a fight with my dad or once got mad at him. With Mom it was a daily thing. I regret so many things and just want a few more minutes with her to correct them. I know Charles is helping me in more way then he knows. If I didn't have him I never would have applied at a school. I probably wouldn't have held a job for too long either. I know emotionally I'd be a wreck and I'd never talk to anyone about it. I'd lock things up inside and have minor freaks out from not getting anything out, I know this because it's the one thing I regret with my mom. I never told her how I felt or had deep conversations with her.
The one huge thing I regret, the one thing I would say to her is why I was mad. One day, I got mad at someone. It made me so upset that I was crying all day about it. At this point she was okay, but she was bedridden. She asked me if I was okay and I said yes, like always. She asked if it was because of a guy and I said no. Even with her asking me, I was crying and I wouldn't talk to her. I never talked to her. If I had it to do over again, I would have told her, because I never did before and now I can't. She always begged me to just talk to her and she'd try to fix it and I'd never let her in. I regret that most.
People ask me, still, if they can do anything for me, and I finally came up with something each and every one of you can do for me.
Please don't neglect your parents. They may be young and healthy right now, but you never know what can happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Tell them you love them every minute of everyday. Call them randomly and just talk to them. If they mess up, don't freak out and get mad, everything they do is to help you. Trust me, you'll regret every single negative moment you had with them when they're gone and that's something you'll always live with. No matter how small the incident, you'll hold onto it and regret it. Help them around the house, if they haven't washed the dishes, do it. Show them in even the smallest ways that you love them. Create moments that you'll be proud of when they're gone. Moments you can look on and smile at. Listen to them, they're wiser than you are and they've been there before.
Just appreciate what you have, while you have it. You never know when God plans to take them from this life. I just don't want anymore numbness in the world.
I could never explain how it feels, although my brother and I found a word that best describes it: numbness. To this day, almost two years after the fact, I'm not quite accepting of them being gone. Everyday I think of them. I want to call them and tell them something funny, or I think "Wow, I haven't talked to Mom in awhile, I wonder how she's doing." Then I remember. It's a weird feeling. When I think of their death, I don't get sad. I get a weird feeling like it's not real and it's just a dream. Like this weird numb feeling, like I'll be awake soon and start to feel something real again.
I almost expect to see them walk around the corner or call me sometimes just to see how I'm doing. I have dreams that they came back, they were just taking a break from the chaos, but they missed us and decided to come back. I have dreams that I'm frantically searching for them, sometimes I find them, but I wake up with an aching feeling. Realizing it wasn't real and I'm back to my dream version of reality.
I live a normal life day to day, but quite often get the weird feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just living to block out the numbness. I often get an odd feeling that I'm faking every human emotion so I don't have to deal with it, even though I know I'm not. When I'm happy, I'm truely happy, but my emotions are scattered and I usually can't control them.
I know if I didn't have Charles, I'd be a wreck. I took my mom's death the hardest. Possibly because I regret more things with my mom. I never in my entire life had a fight with my dad or once got mad at him. With Mom it was a daily thing. I regret so many things and just want a few more minutes with her to correct them. I know Charles is helping me in more way then he knows. If I didn't have him I never would have applied at a school. I probably wouldn't have held a job for too long either. I know emotionally I'd be a wreck and I'd never talk to anyone about it. I'd lock things up inside and have minor freaks out from not getting anything out, I know this because it's the one thing I regret with my mom. I never told her how I felt or had deep conversations with her.
The one huge thing I regret, the one thing I would say to her is why I was mad. One day, I got mad at someone. It made me so upset that I was crying all day about it. At this point she was okay, but she was bedridden. She asked me if I was okay and I said yes, like always. She asked if it was because of a guy and I said no. Even with her asking me, I was crying and I wouldn't talk to her. I never talked to her. If I had it to do over again, I would have told her, because I never did before and now I can't. She always begged me to just talk to her and she'd try to fix it and I'd never let her in. I regret that most.
People ask me, still, if they can do anything for me, and I finally came up with something each and every one of you can do for me.
Please don't neglect your parents. They may be young and healthy right now, but you never know what can happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. Tell them you love them every minute of everyday. Call them randomly and just talk to them. If they mess up, don't freak out and get mad, everything they do is to help you. Trust me, you'll regret every single negative moment you had with them when they're gone and that's something you'll always live with. No matter how small the incident, you'll hold onto it and regret it. Help them around the house, if they haven't washed the dishes, do it. Show them in even the smallest ways that you love them. Create moments that you'll be proud of when they're gone. Moments you can look on and smile at. Listen to them, they're wiser than you are and they've been there before.
Just appreciate what you have, while you have it. You never know when God plans to take them from this life. I just don't want anymore numbness in the world.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Do All to the Glory of God
Recently, Charles and I deleted our secular music off our iPods. Charles deleted everything and not one song is from a secular band anymore. Now, I deleted 400 songs worth of secular music, but I left songs I couldn't let go of.
Here's why: I don't feel that God is going to be disappointed or saddened by me keeping a song that may not be from a Christian artist, but still reminds me of Him. I've read up on it a bit, in 1 Corinthians it says, "Do all to the glory of God". If I'm singing a song that reminds me of Him, then I'm singing to or for Him. How could that be bad?
My point is, we're supposed to do things for Christ. So if we see God in things that aren't bad, but aren't obviously praising Him, yet in our hearts it's praise, can it be bad?
I heard a song that I absolutely adore, by Michael Buble. It's called Haven't Met You Yet. Charles wasn't really thrilled with the idea of me wanting it since it's not by a Christian artist and I understand that. The song (to me) is about waiting patiently for the person God has created for you. Now the song doesn't mention God, but even Christian artist don't mention Him in everything. I like the song and I want to buy it.
I guess what I'm getting at here is:
Am I wrong for wanting to listen to music that isn't out in out praising Him, but I feel like I'm glorifying Him by singing a song I feel is for Him? I just want a few opinions from people who know the Bible better than me. In my head, I don't feel it's wrong. The songs I've kept or want do not disgrace Him or put Him down. While listening to some, I even think they're about Him. I don't see how that's wrong. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?
Here's why: I don't feel that God is going to be disappointed or saddened by me keeping a song that may not be from a Christian artist, but still reminds me of Him. I've read up on it a bit, in 1 Corinthians it says, "Do all to the glory of God". If I'm singing a song that reminds me of Him, then I'm singing to or for Him. How could that be bad?
My point is, we're supposed to do things for Christ. So if we see God in things that aren't bad, but aren't obviously praising Him, yet in our hearts it's praise, can it be bad?
I heard a song that I absolutely adore, by Michael Buble. It's called Haven't Met You Yet. Charles wasn't really thrilled with the idea of me wanting it since it's not by a Christian artist and I understand that. The song (to me) is about waiting patiently for the person God has created for you. Now the song doesn't mention God, but even Christian artist don't mention Him in everything. I like the song and I want to buy it.
I guess what I'm getting at here is:
Am I wrong for wanting to listen to music that isn't out in out praising Him, but I feel like I'm glorifying Him by singing a song I feel is for Him? I just want a few opinions from people who know the Bible better than me. In my head, I don't feel it's wrong. The songs I've kept or want do not disgrace Him or put Him down. While listening to some, I even think they're about Him. I don't see how that's wrong. Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that?
Monday, May 24, 2010
Updates
Every now and then, I like to fill people in on what's going on in my life. This is one of those blogs.
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WORK
Work is good. I'm really enjoying it. I like everything involved in it and the people are great. I've been noticing that the days go by so fast and before I know it, I'm going home. I've cut my fingers a few times and even sandpapered part of my nail off, but other than that, it's great. I'm also still at Watermark and I like that as well, too. It gets pretty tiring, having to go from one job to the next and get home at about 9 some nights, but the money is good. I'm not at Chick-fil-A anymore, so if you're wondering why you haven't seen me, that's why.
APARTMENT
I had a friend over a few weeks ago and she forced me to clean. So my apartment looks fabulous again and I'm planning to keep it this way. The cats are good. Sometimes I want to kill them, but today they're okay. Max freaked out on my the other day, I guess she thought I was going to step on her as I was stepping over her and she got up to run, causing me to trip over her and stand on her stomach for a good two to three seconds before I was able to get my balance back. She howled really loud and I screamed at her for being so stupid. I felt bad after, but I was so mad when it happened. She's okay, no damage, except maybe to her ego.
CHURCH
I have been going to Charles' church lately and will probably continue to go there. I like it a lot and want to continue going. When we get married, we need to find a church we both like and his might be that church. It just so happens to be the same church my mom went to when she was little. Very cool.
OTHER THINGS
I finally got a dryer, after having mine broken for almost a year. I've never been so happy to have clothes to dry.
I'm tired, so I'm out. Good night!
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WORK
Work is good. I'm really enjoying it. I like everything involved in it and the people are great. I've been noticing that the days go by so fast and before I know it, I'm going home. I've cut my fingers a few times and even sandpapered part of my nail off, but other than that, it's great. I'm also still at Watermark and I like that as well, too. It gets pretty tiring, having to go from one job to the next and get home at about 9 some nights, but the money is good. I'm not at Chick-fil-A anymore, so if you're wondering why you haven't seen me, that's why.
APARTMENT
I had a friend over a few weeks ago and she forced me to clean. So my apartment looks fabulous again and I'm planning to keep it this way. The cats are good. Sometimes I want to kill them, but today they're okay. Max freaked out on my the other day, I guess she thought I was going to step on her as I was stepping over her and she got up to run, causing me to trip over her and stand on her stomach for a good two to three seconds before I was able to get my balance back. She howled really loud and I screamed at her for being so stupid. I felt bad after, but I was so mad when it happened. She's okay, no damage, except maybe to her ego.
CHURCH
I have been going to Charles' church lately and will probably continue to go there. I like it a lot and want to continue going. When we get married, we need to find a church we both like and his might be that church. It just so happens to be the same church my mom went to when she was little. Very cool.
OTHER THINGS
I finally got a dryer, after having mine broken for almost a year. I've never been so happy to have clothes to dry.
I'm tired, so I'm out. Good night!
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