Hello! I've been away for awhile. I went through a horrible depression thing for about two weeks, but I'm feeling much better.
UPDATES!!!!
I got another cat! I know, I haven't posted pictures on Facebook, but I will soon, I promise. Her name is Max and she's so adorable. She's 3 months old. I'm taking her to the vet tomorrow to get a check up and make sure she's okay.
School is going great. I love it so much! We had finals on Thursday and I think I did pretty well! So far I'm making an A in the class, which is so good!
My apt is awful. I have a tornado watch on it right now. By that I mean, I'm trying to keep it less messy when I do something. I'll be cleaning it any time I have time.
My registration/inspection stickers went out on my car this month (more so today since it's the 31st) but luckily I was able to get both renewed today.
My bumper on my car is gone. I was at my boyfriend's house and on both sides of his driveway there are ditches....I backed into one. I know, I know, women drivers. :-P I'm getting it fixed on Wednesday.
Because of the depression I wasn't focusing on God and I lost touch with Him in a way, but I'm building myself back up with His help and trying to focus on Him more than myself. Pray I stay on track.
>:-O RUMORS!!! O-:<
Someone at work has started this awesome rumor that I'm pregnant. I don't know who it was, I don't know why, but I don't care. I just want the record to show that I am NOT pregnant. The reason I'm upset is because 1) it's not true and 2) this makes me and Charles look bad. I don't want to know the who's and why's, I just want it to stop. There is not and will not be a baby for many years. Thank you and good night!
God Bless!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Soundtrack of my life...
I don't know if I could yell any louder. How many times have I kicked you out of here? Or said something insulting? I can be so mean when I wanna be. I am capable of really anything. I can cut you into pieces when my heart is broken.
How did I become so obnoxious? What is it with you that makes me act like this? I've never been this nasty. Can't you tell that this is just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest, but baby, I don't mean it, I mean it. I promise.
I forgot to say out loud, how beautiful you really are to me, I can't be without. You're my perfect little punching bag. And I need you. I'm sorry.
Please, don't leave me. I always say how I don't I need you, but it's always gonna come right back to this.
Please, don't leave me.
How did I become so obnoxious? What is it with you that makes me act like this? I've never been this nasty. Can't you tell that this is just a contest? The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest, but baby, I don't mean it, I mean it. I promise.
I forgot to say out loud, how beautiful you really are to me, I can't be without. You're my perfect little punching bag. And I need you. I'm sorry.
Please, don't leave me. I always say how I don't I need you, but it's always gonna come right back to this.
Please, don't leave me.
I spend about 98% of my time thinking about him.
I don't get it. I want to marry him so bad that I can't concentrate.
None of it makes sense. I want him and would marry him tomorrow if I could, but inside I know it's best that we wait. But even still, I would drop everything to be with him now.
We've discussed it many times and it always comes back to the same place; we have to wait. So I just don't want to talk about it now. It never ends in "okay, we'll get married" so I refuse to talk about it. I refuse because what I want is never an option. I don't discuss it because I also don't understand where my overwhelming desire for marriage is coming from. I have an idea: possibly the loss of both my parents. But I don't want him because I need him, I want him because I want him. I don't want him to be my security blanket, I want him to be my husband.
I don't even understand why. I know we can't, I understand we can't. But I want to. I desperately want to and right now that's all I want. I can't even sleep some nights and I really don't understand any of this.
I don't understand how I could be okay and understanding of waiting, yet hate it so much that I can't focus. I spend hours thinking of ways to speed up the process or maybe even convince him it's a good idea to do it now, but he never falls for it.
All of this came out of nowhere. I was fine and then one day, BOOM, I want to get married and nothing else matters. And it's been like that ever since.
I can't talk about it or think about it without starting to cry and I hate that because like I said, 98% of time is spent focused on this. This thing that I can't change and this thing that I can't have. I just want to focus on school and work and not this. It's making me go crazy. I can't keep doing this if I want to stay sane. It's eating at me and breaking me down and I don't like it.
I've prayed. I spend nights crying and praying and so far I haven't gotten anything. I'm obviously going to continue praying on it. I just really wish I could get an answer soon.
I don't get it. I want to marry him so bad that I can't concentrate.
None of it makes sense. I want him and would marry him tomorrow if I could, but inside I know it's best that we wait. But even still, I would drop everything to be with him now.
We've discussed it many times and it always comes back to the same place; we have to wait. So I just don't want to talk about it now. It never ends in "okay, we'll get married" so I refuse to talk about it. I refuse because what I want is never an option. I don't discuss it because I also don't understand where my overwhelming desire for marriage is coming from. I have an idea: possibly the loss of both my parents. But I don't want him because I need him, I want him because I want him. I don't want him to be my security blanket, I want him to be my husband.
I don't even understand why. I know we can't, I understand we can't. But I want to. I desperately want to and right now that's all I want. I can't even sleep some nights and I really don't understand any of this.
I don't understand how I could be okay and understanding of waiting, yet hate it so much that I can't focus. I spend hours thinking of ways to speed up the process or maybe even convince him it's a good idea to do it now, but he never falls for it.
All of this came out of nowhere. I was fine and then one day, BOOM, I want to get married and nothing else matters. And it's been like that ever since.
I can't talk about it or think about it without starting to cry and I hate that because like I said, 98% of time is spent focused on this. This thing that I can't change and this thing that I can't have. I just want to focus on school and work and not this. It's making me go crazy. I can't keep doing this if I want to stay sane. It's eating at me and breaking me down and I don't like it.
I've prayed. I spend nights crying and praying and so far I haven't gotten anything. I'm obviously going to continue praying on it. I just really wish I could get an answer soon.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Mom and Dad,
A few months ago I got used to the fact that I wasn't going to see Mom anymore, but then I lost you. It's taking me a while, but I'm starting to realize that your both gone. I'm not sure why it's taken this long.
I still find myself wanting to call you guys and tell you about work or how fun school is. I've still yet to take either one of you out of my phone and I don't want to anytime soon. I still have ringtones I'm never going to hear because you guys can't call.
Dad got to meet Charles and I really wish you had, Mom. He's a great guy. I know that losing you two is why I want to be with him so bad and I'm working on being happy with just me and my relationship with God until we're ready to start new lives together.
I know you're both watching and I hope you're proud. I'm really trying to be okay and accepting of losing you two. It's hard, but God has a reason.
I miss both of you and I can't wait to see you guys again someday. I love you!
I still find myself wanting to call you guys and tell you about work or how fun school is. I've still yet to take either one of you out of my phone and I don't want to anytime soon. I still have ringtones I'm never going to hear because you guys can't call.
Dad got to meet Charles and I really wish you had, Mom. He's a great guy. I know that losing you two is why I want to be with him so bad and I'm working on being happy with just me and my relationship with God until we're ready to start new lives together.
I know you're both watching and I hope you're proud. I'm really trying to be okay and accepting of losing you two. It's hard, but God has a reason.
I miss both of you and I can't wait to see you guys again someday. I love you!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Dear Charles,
I love you more than words could ever explain. I know I tend to joke and bug you about getting married and I'm going to work on that. I feel like I'm going to make you lose interest in us by doing that so often.
My main fear is that I will lose you and I'm only heightening that by bringing marriage up so much. I know you want to wait until we're making enough money to support each other and I love you for that. I can't help but want to marry you now because you're so amazing.
I am going to work on my patience and wait for when the time is right for us. Even if that means waiting another year. I honestly don't want to, but for you, I will.
I love you, baby. I just want you to know that.
:)
My main fear is that I will lose you and I'm only heightening that by bringing marriage up so much. I know you want to wait until we're making enough money to support each other and I love you for that. I can't help but want to marry you now because you're so amazing.
I am going to work on my patience and wait for when the time is right for us. Even if that means waiting another year. I honestly don't want to, but for you, I will.
I love you, baby. I just want you to know that.
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)