I spend about 98% of my time thinking about him.
I don't get it. I want to marry him so bad that I can't concentrate.
None of it makes sense. I want him and would marry him tomorrow if I could, but inside I know it's best that we wait. But even still, I would drop everything to be with him now.
We've discussed it many times and it always comes back to the same place; we have to wait. So I just don't want to talk about it now. It never ends in "okay, we'll get married" so I refuse to talk about it. I refuse because what I want is never an option. I don't discuss it because I also don't understand where my overwhelming desire for marriage is coming from. I have an idea: possibly the loss of both my parents. But I don't want him because I need him, I want him because I want him. I don't want him to be my security blanket, I want him to be my husband.
I don't even understand why. I know we can't, I understand we can't. But I want to. I desperately want to and right now that's all I want. I can't even sleep some nights and I really don't understand any of this.

I don't understand how I could be okay and understanding of waiting, yet hate it so much that I can't focus. I spend hours thinking of ways to speed up the process or maybe even convince him it's a good idea to do it now, but he never falls for it.
All of this came out of nowhere. I was fine and then one day, BOOM, I want to get married and nothing else matters. And it's been like that ever since.

I can't talk about it or think about it without starting to cry and I hate that because like I said, 98% of time is spent focused on this. This thing that I can't change and this thing that I can't have. I just want to focus on school and work and not this. It's making me go crazy. I can't keep doing this if I want to stay sane. It's eating at me and breaking me down and I don't like it.
I've prayed. I spend nights crying and praying and so far I haven't gotten anything. I'm obviously going to continue praying on it. I just really wish I could get an answer soon.